Marchers from both sides of the community, as well as Pride marchers, trade union marchers, Coalisland Silver Band, and anti-pollution marchers, have declared a marching war on British Home Secretary Suella Braverman after she said people here hate marching. The people of Cavan, Donegal and Monaghan have also warned Braverman to leave them out of it ‘with all this Ulster talk’.

Braverman, who also once said Lough Neagh should be tarmacked over and used as a big jail for people she doesn’t like, didn’t specify which set of marchers she was referring to which has led to a united front from paranoid marchers up and down the country. Errigal Ciaran and Dromore footballers have also joined forces with Irish Marchers United (IMU) after marching behind the band at the county final last month.

In a combined statement, the IMU stated:

“This is ridiculous. We just love marching. Most of our thousands of members march down the stairs every morning to get porridge or whatever breakfast you like personally. Braverman has started a war she will regret. We don’t hate marching at all, and she’ll know all about it when we march around her house for a full week in big boots.”

Additionally, in a statement signed by the people of Donegal, Monaghan and Cavan, British politicians have been told to stop linking them with things that happen in the six counties, ‘or else’. They have also threatened to remove themselves from the province of Ulster to form their own province if this continues. Early names for the new province include ‘Huckster’ and ‘Mainliners’.