An Eglish social media influencer has promised to pish on cars that aren’t within their lines at carparks or parked in disabled spots without a badge, especially in the bigger towns like Dungannon, Coalisland, Cookstown and Omagh.

Malachy Jordan, who also describes himself as a social justice warrior, admitted to secretly pishing on cars already that were badly parked, but didn’t record it.

In a post on the Tiktok last week, he announced:

“There will be no exceptions and I’ll specifically target big motors like Range Rovers. If I see their tyres touching the lines and making it hard for others to get out of their car doors, I’ll pish on their wheels and maybe the door handle if I can get it up that far. It drives me mental. Especially those with personalised numberplates. It’s usually them.”

Jordan has a following of over 1.2 million people on social media, mostly accrued after he made videos last year of bursting the tyres of tractors that were holding up traffic on small roads.

An Ardboe fisherman, currently on bail for stealing ten jars of Nutella at Nutt’s Corner market, has disappeared completely after being granted permission by a Dungannon judge to appear as an illusionist on Britain’s Got Talent.

Reginald McGuigan, who also performs tricks at children’s parties under the alias ‘Reg the Clift’, auditioned for BGT but astounded the judges by completely disappearing during his act, and has yet to be found after six days of searching.

Simon Cowell, who initially claimed it was the best act he’d ever seen, changed his mind after it emerged McGuigan had done a runner, and ordered the clip not to be shown.

An insider added:

“We haven’t a clue how he did it. There was no trap door and we checked the cage he was in. He seems to have disappeared into thin air. If he is reading this, please come back. You’ll make millions.”

McGuigan was once chased from a school variety show after making the secretary disappear during the act, only to be found later with her in the principal’s office in a compromising position.

Reg the Clift rejects the accusations that he stole the Nutella.