In a bold move, Cookstown has obliterated Tullyhogue, which it states is for the safety of the citizens of Tullyhogue (despite burning down the medical centre) and the stability of the wider region. They deny genocide.

Whilst universally slated, no one has done anything about it, while Cookstown sets its sights towards annihilating Newmillls, who they accuse of directing Halloween fireworks in their direction. The Tyrone County Board has been asked to intervene to help the Tullyhoguians but said that although Cookstown’s actions were reprehensible, it was nothing to do with them, but were since photographed shaking hands with Cookstown businessman Jacob McGurk who “makes great diggers”. 

With many local counsellors up in arms, an emergency motion was raised to reinstate normal borders, but Mid Ulster Council vetoed the move, citing historical complications dating back to the 1940s. The council have also warned BBC officials that their reporting on the events will be ‘monitored closely’.

Cookstown, whom some have criticised for reacting a bit disproportionately to a window being smashed at an Orange Hall in their Main Street by burning down every GAA club south of the town within a 20-mile radius, stands firm in its actions saying it’s a matter of good versus righteous. They also claim to be open to a ceasefire, just after they’ve chased all natives from the area in the next few weeks.

When TT reached out for comment by locally elected officials, most ministers at Stormont were unavailable for comment, but we are informed they were dancing at the Glenavon and eating Cookstown Sausages, as that brought in jobs.