Tyrone GAA officials are to assemble a convoy to Moscow after it emerged that Fivemiletown is on the Russian radar for nuclear strikes, should Putin take the notion.

After an emergency meeting last night in Dungannon (as Healy Park media room was waterlogged), GAA officials agreed that a strike on Healy Park would be ideal, as they are planning on cutting it up anyway to solve the draining issue.

Henry Sally, GAA War PR, added:

“I can see yer man Putin having an issue with this. Sure we’ll even pretend to be making military uniforms or something using scarecrows in the middle of the field to lure them in. Bombing Fivemiletown would be a disaster. Where would people go after Clogher? Fermanagh? Sure that’s worse than a nuclear fallout.”

If Putin does bomb Healy Park into shite, it is estimated that it could save Tyrone GAA thousands on digger hire.