Lough Neagh is ‘quickly becoming an apocalyptic nightmare’ according to scientists at a prestigious university in Europe, labeling the current owner of the bed and banks of Lough Neagh, the 12th Earl of Shaftesbury, Nicholas Ashley-Cooper, ‘the new Dr Frankenstein of the 21st Century’.

As recently as last week, fishermen on the western shore near Ardboe have sworn they saw an eel with two heads, with one head talking to the other, as well as midges sky-diving into rocks in order to avoid the toxic effects of the green algae which has been allowed to envelope the waters.

Dr Brian McCourt, a famed microbiologist at Brussels University warned:

“It’s quite possible that we’re looking at the re-emergence of some of the most dangerous extinct animals ever to exist, emerging from a tragically mis-managed Lough. Examples include the Pollanasaurus, the Great Blue Pike, and various megladons. These enormous prehistoric sharks will make fishing rather difficult.”

Scottish sea-monster Nessie has declined to take up his daily visit to Lough Neagh to watch the bands in August, citing he’d rather swim in a sewer than even look at the state of the Lough.