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Coalisland Man In Australia Insists It’s Much Better Than Here
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE 
‘Island man, fitting in with the locals
A 19 year old man from Coalisland currently in Australia on a 3-month visa vowed yesterday not to return to the county, after having confirmed he’s having the time of his life.
“It’s mighty”, said 19 year old Connor McGonagle from Barrack Street in the Island, who travelled to Australia in June on a 3-month working holiday. “I only got here three weeks ago on a work permit and I’ve been having the time of my life. I got a job picking up stones out of a field and although it’s hard work, the craic’s mighty. I’m here with four other boys from Coalisland and we’re all doing it”.
McGonagle is staying in the small town of Katoomba, population approximately 5,000.
“It’s class”, said the enthusiastic traveller. “It’s less than two hours from the coast and they’ve got these big long beaches. There’s nothing I miss about Tyrone to be honest. The beer in Australia isn’t great and I miss the Irish stuff like Harp and Foster’s, but we’ve been getting hammered every Friday night down at the Irish bar. Amazin’ hi. This sort of experience is something I could only dream of back home. And the Australian Rules football is class. Completely different in every way from the Gaelic. And even better, Bruce Springsteen’s playing here at the weekend! It’ll be like a 3-hour drive to get there like, but imagine. The Boss! Them ‘uns back home will be as jealous as anything”.
McGonagle has spent his leisure time making the most of the different culture.
“We’ve been doing some quad-biking across these fields which is deadly and we’ve gone diffin’ in some lads’ cars that we met. Mighty. Tyrone’s got nothing like it. I’m starting work next week in this amazing chicken factory. You wouldn’t believe the size of it. And the weather’s deadly. This last month the weather’s been really warm. All thon ones back on the Island don’t know what they’re missing. It’s life-changing”.
TYRONE COURT NOTICES DECEMBER
AGHALOO man Gertrude Sherry (55) has been sentenced to three weeks hard labour after being found guilty of wrecking a few shops in Aughnacloy. The original sentence was reduced on empathetic grounds after the full details emerged behind Sherry’s furious rampage. Having checked his lottery numbers on Saturday night, Sherry realised he had all six numbers and with a jackpot of £1.2m he immediately set off on a shopping spree overnight on the Internet, purchasing a 2011 Porche, a small helicopter, a cruise holiday for 12, back stage passes for the next Springsteen concert and a year’s worth of oil heating. It wasn’t until he went to collect his winnings that he was told 500,000 others had the same numbers (1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6), each winning just over £2. Sherry demolished half the town when he arrived home. The judge said any man would do the same, especially in Aughnacloy.
BERAGH boiler servicer Horace McNally (31) was remanded in custody after a failed robbery attempt just outside the village. McNally, out of work since the summer, attempted to rob a cafe in the Beragh area only to be told that he had to order something for them to be able to open the till. Looking at the menu, McNally ordered a ham sandwich and a cup of tea. After being told they’d run out of ham, he changed the order to a sausage bap. Again, unluckily for McNally, they’d run out of baps. Frustrated, Horace said he’d just take the tea to go. As the brew was being made, 15 minutes after the original demand, the police arrived on the scene and apprehended the hungry villain.
PLUMBRIDGE A Level student Leon McCabe (17) has been ordered to pay username ‘BigLad33’ £30 after calling him names on a well known GAA online forum. McCabe, who goes under the name of ‘BateItIntoThem’ on the same forum, got into a heated written exchange on the internet regarding Gortin’s failure to achieve promotion this year. Reacting to BigLad33’s assertion that Gortin weren’t good enough for division 1, McCabe released a torrent of abuse, calling BigLad33 a ‘tramp’, ‘c*ntyballs’ and ‘f*ckin frigid w*anker from Omagh’. The distressed BigLad33 said he was happy with the thirty quid. McCabe has been ordered to take a deep breath before typing.
Tyrone Tribulations 