Loughran and Quinn before dinner was served

The annual Kildress Christmas dinner at the weekend saw scenes of violence not witnessed in the area since the 1822 McGurk/McHenry feud over access to a field. Tempers had been fraying in the preceding weeks between two of the more elderly locals over the choice of sauce for the turkey. Maisie Loughran (93) insisted that the sauce has always been Cranberry and that’s how it would be come December 9th (yesterday). Paudie Quinn (88) disagreed:

“Her head’s cut and it has been since 1994. I’ve been attending the SC Christmas dinner for twenty years now and the sauce has always been chestnut sauce. Without fail. That oul witch was just causing bother because her arch nemesis Jacinta McIntyre was doing the singing for a change this year. She has a wonderful voice, a much better alternative to the cat-screeching coming out of Maisie’s gob. There’s only so many times you can listen to ‘Cloak Of Many Colours’ in the wrong key.”

Things cut up rough when dinner was served and Maisie’s sauce was poured. Old People’s Home director Sandy Castle took up the story:

“It was a bloodbath. As soon as the chestnut sauce was poured, Maisie gingerly lifted her plate full of food and eventually fired it straight at Paudie’s face, the turkey hanging from his nose. It all went off from there. Paudie made his way over to Maisie’s chair after a few minutes and started pulling the hair off her. Others waded in and it was like watching a WWF fight in extreme slow motion. Century-old vendettas surfaced and the McGurk/McHenry residents bate the heads clean off each other with walking sticks and denture creams. It was disgraceful but it has managed 7000 views on YouTube and hopefully I can sell the Director’s Cut stuff at Nutts Corner this weekend. Savage stuff. Jacinta was singing away throughout it all ‘I Saw Mummy Kissing Santa Clause’, oblivious to the war scenes around her, God bless her.”

Police arrived before dessert was served to restore peace and order. One was hit with a piece of Christmas cake as they left.