By Aughoughilley Schniffles

A county Tyrone man woke following keyhole surgery in Belfast, refused to believe he was not Mr Elvis Presley, and had to be sedated within minutes of waking from an operation to treat concussion, according to reports this morning.

Danny Shields, with an address just off Jacksonville Road in Moygashel, was in for an unexpected but fairly standard operation to relieve swelling above the eyebrows, after he was clipped by a bus coming out of TK Maxx in the middle of Belfast.

We understand he woke after the two-hour procedure with a quiff and a pair of golden black tinted sunglasses on him that none of the staff at the Royal operating theatre could account for, screaming “you’ll not get your vaccine in me” and “ah ha huuuing”, kicking and screaming before he had to undergo further unplanned anesthesia “for his own safety”.

Mr Shields’ only sister (who did not want to be named) was distraught when first informed by hospital staff, and said she really couldn’t understand it, and that the only music he likes was “the flute bands up in Londonderry in the summer” and “Neil Diamond’s Penny Arcade”. She described him as a born-again Christian, who kept all of his tattoos to remind him of his past and that he wouldn’t hurt a fly now.

We caught up with the general manager of the hospital, Mr Kildare:

“We can confirm that a 53-year-old son of two from Tyrone was admitted today after an incident with one of the new Belfast city electric buses. He woke after a procedure singing American songs, screaming out for cheeseburgers, and lashing out at staff. The individual (whom I am medically qualified and legally permitted to call a male for the purposes of this statement) had to be restrained and put under for his own safety and the safety of my staff. We hope to keep him sedated for the rest of tonight so we can conduct CT scans and a full suite of blood tests”.

The Belfast Mayor has again appealed for caution when in the vicinity of the new electric city buses after three sleeping pigeons, a binman, and a man trying to steal a hubcap were run over by them, so far this month.