A leading Dutch scientist, who specialises in algae from across the globe, has claimed that the powerful effects of the current malaise Lough Neagh finds itself in could, in fact, be having a superhuman impact on those living close to it, comparing it to the spinach Popeye ate.

In recent weeks, the Derrylaughan senior team have embarked on an unbeaten run, propelling them into the Intermediate semi-final. Next week, they face a Pomeroy team who have subsequently booked a team-bonding weekend in Brocagh up the road from Derrylaughan this weekend in order to bathe in the powerful algae.

Professor Felix Van der Dum explained:

“We have been keeping an eye on the Derrylaughan team since the algae situation blew up. I even attended their last game against Gortin. Your man Kennedy jumped for a ball, reaching a height of 15 feet. That means he could jump onto the roof of a house. Another man by the name of Carney ran 100m in 9.99 secs. The Irish record is 10.17 secs. It is possibly illegal what’s happening.”

Gortin decided against launching a formal complaint despite rumours of the Derrylaughan bus glowing on the way in, as well as specualtion that they’re eating the algae before leaving the changing rooms.