Donald Trump has been urged to leave Ulster’s minerals alone after annexing the minerals in Ukraine through an 11th-hour deal with President Zelensky. Donegal’s Football Special, one of the nicest minerals in the nine counties, have declared they will not be handing over any minerals to the Yanks no matter what deal is made between Trump and the Irish government.

Although Trump has yet to mention Ulster’s minerals, Maine from County Antrim are adamant that they will not budge from their Ballymoney base and will turn to arms if need be:

“Listen, we’re not adverse to orange men out here in Ballymoney but that Orange bastid won’t be getting his mitts on our drinks, including the Football Special.”

Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA have warned their supporters to put emergency plans in place already because of the probability of Armagh doing 2-in-a-row.