Derrylaughan Kevin Barrys, who used to win loads of matches from 1965-1985 including two county titles, due to the amount of midges in the eyes of opposition players unaccustomed to the phenomenon, have been accused of breeding Asian Hornets to replace the decreasing numbers of midges.

The hornet, an aggressive beast that can render players incapable of seeing for days, has been spotted around the lough being trained to attack anything not wearing a green jersey. This appears to be an escalation in tactics by the loughshore team to ensure a quick return to the senior grade in 2027.

Environmentalist Kenny Arching fumed:

“Derrylaughan would need to have a good luk at itself. Them hornets are deadly. They’ve no loyalty either and will head up the road to Ardboe and Moortown. Soon the whole of the East will be a no-go area again; teams like Urney and Aughabrack won’t trek across the county to come back covered in lumps and an eye missing. It’ll be like the 70s all over again. Imagine if the Windmill had hornets.”

Derrylaughan have denied breeding hornets and said they’re just big angry midges.