Felix, this morning

Derrytresk anthropologist, Felix Hughes, was on the receiving end of an ear-bashing from the new PP last Sunday after he was spotted by early-rising parishioners cutting his hedge on the roadside between the hours of 6am and 8am on the Sabbath morning. The bold and brazen 70-year-old was reportedly “going buck mad” with a scythe in the semi-darkened mist, his comb-over flapping manically in the fearsome Sunday wind. Local busybodies, a gaggle of holy women in their 60s, reported the events to Fr Duckingstool who originally hails from Clonmore. He used his homily to take public issue with Hughes’ dawning activities:

“Well, well, well. I’ve seen it all now. My retired predecessor warned me about the Hugheses. Didn’t bother with the Dues he said. Didn’t receive confession he said. Didn’t spend much at the Mission stalls he said. But never once did I expect to hear the news I heard this morning. Cutting the feckin hedges they told me. Poor Susie, and her with the women’s troubles, said she nearly crashed her bike into the whin bush at the bottom of Hughes’ rampart. Bare-chested she said. Comb-over dancing wildly in the young foggy sky she said. Damnation awaits Felix Hughes.”

Adoring parishioners gawped in disbelief as the details of Hughes’ toils were played out in all its heathenly colour. Piecing together all reports, it appears that he was scything away for the guts of two hours that morning, greeting shouts of derision from mass-goers with either the middle finger or a show of his arse. Although Felix himself wasn’t present at the service, his wife and children were made to endure the whole sordid detail by standing up at the request of Duckingstool. The Good Father is reportedly considering returning to Armagh after the shock and is contemplating cursing the Derrytresk GAA club for the next half-century.

Hughes refused to comment on the whole shenanigans, instead firing a warning shot over reporters with his air rifle he uses for nicking school children who walk over the grass on the other side of the hedge but still on his land.