McGurk, Portrush Harbour

A Kildress labourer got the shock of his life yesterday after he emerged from three hours of intensive surgery to remove his appendix, or so he says. Anton McGurk booked himself in for his appendix operation after complaining of a burning sensation near his belly button for the guts of three months. An hour after the operation he got up to go to the toilet but found himself walking into the women’s cubicle instinctively.

“Flip, I wasn’t expecting that. The appendix were giving me awful jip. I told my family and friends all about it beforehand and to give me a bit of space when I came out because my sides would be sore. Little did I know I’d be emerging with a pair of breasts, no yoke, longer eyelashes and a new name, Dympna. It’ll take a bit of getting used to but I suppose you just have to get on with it like. The doctor apologised to me in private and I’m happy with that.”

Anton Dympna McGurk’s brother Leon remains sceptical:

“Appendix my arse. Our Anton always loved dressing up as a youngster in high heels and stuffed bras. Sure last week I caught him trying to parallel park and it took him 12 minutes. He multi-tasks like hell too. On Christmas day he made the dinner, fed and washed the young’uns, hoovered, greeted the guests and did the fire all within half an hour. No man can do that sure. Also, he always called his toy cars girly names and I’m nearly sure his last monster truck was named Dympna too. The appendix is a smokescreen. Kildress is not ready for this yet.”

Anton/Dympna’s parents have refused to comment but it was reported that his father keeps shaking his head and saying things like ‘holy jaysus boys’ in a whispery voice. Dympna refutes allegations that the appendix was a cover for a planned sex-change:

“Not at all. People will speculate but I know I never expected to be wearing a lovely bright blue tie front floral beach dress right now. I’m not sure what handbag goes with it but I rather like the Designer Dark Turquoise Leather Applique Button Purse. It’s gorgeous.”