Blog Archives
Elated Man (69) Finds A Car Parking Space In Dungannon
The new parking system
A delighted Loughshore pensioner has described his elation at find a parking space in the newly revamped Dungannon Square after circling for 4 hours solid on Wednesday morning.
Philly O’Neill, who visits Dungannon weekly to collect his pension but last claimed a parking space in August, claimed he almost passed out with excitement and needed to rest for half an hour, taking up half of his allocated parking time. Sipping celebratory champagne, he told us:
“It was a great feeling. For four months I’ve circled and failed, returning home with nothing but an empty tank. In October I nearly got a space but was told to ‘move on to feck’ by a woman who was standing in it holding a hammer, waiting for her friend I think. I’d racked up nearly £3000 in pension money so it was a great bonus to get it all at once.”
O’Neill’s stroke of luck follows a series of negative publicity over the new town square layout, with hundreds of non-shoppers flocking to Dungannon on foot to watch motorists battle with the new lights system and parking arrangements. Local confection store owner Leo Morgan revealed he sells 400 units of popcorn a week to pedestrians who make their way to the town to view the carnage:
“It’s like a freak show. People are circling for hours, getting more irate and dangerously dizzy. In all the manic confusion, drivers begin stopping at lights that don’t exist and driving through those that do. We counted an average of seven fist fights a day and a man fired a gun last week at someone who waiting for someone to reverse out of a space. I even saw two sisters batter a man of the Church with spanners and wrenches. Deadly crack altogether.”
Shoppers have responded to the news that shop owners are parking in the best spaces by driving over their cars using planks and monster truck wheels.
Kildress Man Has Operation On Appendix. Given Sex-Change By Accident, Or So He Says.
McGurk, Portrush Harbour
A Kildress labourer got the shock of his life yesterday after he emerged from three hours of intensive surgery to remove his appendix, or so he says. Anton McGurk booked himself in for his appendix operation after complaining of a burning sensation near his belly button for the guts of three months. An hour after the operation he got up to go to the toilet but found himself walking into the women’s cubicle instinctively.
“Flip, I wasn’t expecting that. The appendix were giving me awful jip. I told my family and friends all about it beforehand and to give me a bit of space when I came out because my sides would be sore. Little did I know I’d be emerging with a pair of breasts, no yoke, longer eyelashes and a new name, Dympna. It’ll take a bit of getting used to but I suppose you just have to get on with it like. The doctor apologised to me in private and I’m happy with that.”
Anton Dympna McGurk’s brother Leon remains sceptical:
“Appendix my arse. Our Anton always loved dressing up as a youngster in high heels and stuffed bras. Sure last week I caught him trying to parallel park and it took him 12 minutes. He multi-tasks like hell too. On Christmas day he made the dinner, fed and washed the young’uns, hoovered, greeted the guests and did the fire all within half an hour. No man can do that sure. Also, he always called his toy cars girly names and I’m nearly sure his last monster truck was named Dympna too. The appendix is a smokescreen. Kildress is not ready for this yet.”
Anton/Dympna’s parents have refused to comment but it was reported that his father keeps shaking his head and saying things like ‘holy jaysus boys’ in a whispery voice. Dympna refutes allegations that the appendix was a cover for a planned sex-change:
“Not at all. People will speculate but I know I never expected to be wearing a lovely bright blue tie front floral beach dress right now. I’m not sure what handbag goes with it but I rather like the Designer Dark Turquoise Leather Applique Button Purse. It’s gorgeous.”
Tyrone Tribulations 