Donald Trump, who will be sworn in as 47th President of the United States of America, has revealed plans to make Coalisland Fianna ‘the best Gaelic football team on the planet’ by 2026, as long as they start digging for coal again and ship 90% of it to the States.

The re-opening of the coalmines, closed for over 50 years, will be overseen by a relation of Trump from Newmills, Harry Trump, a children’s clown artist.

President-elect Trump added:

“I’ve loved Coalisland all my life, really loved Coalisland. My mother used to tell me of the great people of Coalisland, all the great people. Handsome people. Some of the most handsome people I’ve ever seen. And the coal. The beautiful coal. There is no coal more beautiful than the coal in Coalisland. It’s a thing of beauty. And the football team. They’re beautiful too. They’ll be World Champions in two years. Mark my words, in 2 years they will be World Champions of America. I’ll see to it personally. I want the coal first, though.”

Trump has asked that 90% of coal extracted from the new Coalisland pits be shipped to New York in return for his personal Irish company as club sponsors on the jerseys, “Frackin Hell.” He has also bought a year’s entry to the GAA club’s Lottery.

Landi’s have acted immediately and are offering massive cheeseburgers.