The Castlederg Community Project have moved to cash-in on the feel-good factor following the Olympic and Paralympic Games in London by  announcing the inaugural 2012 Paramilitary Games. In a concerted effort to develop community relations on both sides of the divide, all paramilitary groups will be invited including the UDA, PIRA, RIRA, CIRA, RHD, UFF, DAAD, UVF, INLA, LVF and the OV.

“We’re really excited to be invited”, the INLA claimed through a coded telephone call. “We’ve been practicing the shot putt for ages now and have high hopes of at least a bronze medal. We hear that the UVF have a few big men but it’s all about how you perform on the day up in Castlederg.”

Paramilitary Games Promotional Photoshoot

All participants are required by the recently drawn-up rules to wear balaclavas and wooly jumpers which does present a problem for the swimming competition. The RHD were a little worried about the strict dress code:

“That is a bit of a hindrance alright. The lads have been out in Belfast Lough practicing in their work clothes so we’re confident we can adapt to conditions. There has been a recent shipment of skin-tight balaclavas from China which will give us an advantage over the provos who still use the 1980s model. The River Derg can be treacherous”

Those attending the opening ceremony in the ‘Derg will witness an array of musical acts including The Wolfe Tones, The Shankill Accordian Band and Willie McCrea who will sing the Games’ anthem called “I  hae a leanin’ twards the Laird, bein’ a Christian” in Ulster Scots. The £10 firework display has been cancelled due to concerns about the sound it makes.