Trillick’s first TV

86-year old ex-taxidermist Bill Dougan from Trillick yesterday claimed there was ‘nothing but shite’ on the TV these days and has encouraged young people to take up ‘road boules or something like digging.’ The unprovoked outburst occurred after watching The Late Late Show on Friday night only to be presented with no one he’d even remotely heard of or interested in.

“I’ve been watching TV since the 1940s. My aunt Kathleen was a landowner and used to charge peasants a fortune for using her toilet, the only one in Trillick until 1962. She used the money to buy a big TV, again the only one in this area. It was a Crosley 10-428 bakelite dark brown table top one and she allowed us to watch it once a week. There were some great shows back then. Bonanza, 321, Glenroe, the news, The Plough and the Stars, Eurovision, The Riordans and the weather. Now it’s all lesbians and people ridin. That Tubridy boy. He has an eye for the buck naked women and tee-total boys who cry on that show. Best, Higgens and Behan are spinning in their graves.”

Dougan is worried about the future of the Irish people if the current TV content remains. He has called on young Irish men and women to turn off their sets and get out onto the roads to embrace the qualities we once held dear.

“Listen, Albert Reynolds needs to make a stand here. What type of Irish person are we launching on the world now? In my day we were hard working, hard drinking, racist, sexist, untidy, funny and unreliable. Those are the qualities we historically cherished. I see these young people walking around Trillick all cleaned up and the boys with tattoos, pushing prams. They all go to work on time and come home on time. There’s hardly any form of  discrimination at all now. They’re watching all them politically correct messages in soaps and chat shows. Is this the kind of Ireland we want? I blame Pat the bollocks Kenny. At least Gay Byrne disliked some of his guests. Get Byrne back on the TV before all is lost. I caught my son doing the dishes a week ago. I may be 86 but a box to the head fairly stung him.”