Long waiting times for all ailments at Clonoe surgery have forced many in the area to take matters into their own hands and perform DIY repairs on themselves. Although their crude methods of rectifying simple illness or sores has resulted in further complications, locals claim they’re better off this way instead of sitting in waiting rooms for up to two hours at a time. Patsy McCabe elaborated on the medical misfortunes that have plagued the East Tyrone townland in recent months.

“Some handlin. I had an ingrown toenail for weeks. Last Wednesday I made an appointment to see Dr Devlin and was sitting in that waiting room with people snattering and slabbering for two hours. I though ‘feck that’ and just upped and headed back to the garage. Whilst inside I fired up the blow-torch, took a slug of plum poitin and burned the bastard clean off the side of my foot. It was indescribable pain at the time but far better than sitting in that room for a couple of hours. The downside is a permanent limp and the bleeding hasn’t really subsided.”

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McCabe’s methods have been adopted by many in the parish now with many not even phoning the surgery for advice or prescriptions. Josie Ferguson noticed that a wart on her little finger was getting bigger in recent months and was hindering her when mashing spuds or slapping children.

“Jaysus it was a hoor of a wart. I says to Mickey I can’t be bothered with it anymore and was going to phone the doctor. He stops me and says not to as the queues down there was scundering. He made me drink a bottle of sherry, clamped my hand to the table and shot the wart off with a small gun we keep for chasing badgers from the back door. To be honest, he shot the whole finger completely off and I was a bit pissed off initially when I came round after passing out in pain. But when I hear of the waiting lists I’m glad Mickey shot me. You soon get used to nine fingers and I’d have no hesitation shooting a wart off anyone, anywhere. Even a verruca”

Dr Devlin has implored the locals not to engage in any more DIY surgery as it wasn’t safe. He says it’s only a matter of time before appendix or gallstones are tackled by impatient sufferers.