The details of Tuesday night’s midnight Assembly debate between parties at Stormont indicated that locking down Catholics was almost passed as official legislation until Sammy Wilson sneezed during a water cooler break.

The guttural nature of the Irish language coupled with jumping about doing Irish dancing and tin whistle playing provided strong arguments that Catholics were potential super-spreaders of the virus up until the moment Wilson sneezed whilst eating a Wispa washed down with a tin of Lilt.

Protestants were ruled out early on in the debate as the majority of lambeg drummers kept their mouths shut due to the strain of the drum and the Ulster Scots dialect lent itself to a narrower mouth movement.

Atheists were, at the 11th hour, about to take the hit as lockdowners only for a late phonecall from an anonymous loyalist paramilitary group who claimed they’d be obliterated for four weeks if this went ahead.

Sammy’s sneeze threw everything back into the melting pot again but, with Foster faced with the daunting trip back to Fermanagh at that time of the night, they decided to lockdown the whole lot but will be keeping a close eye on the Catholics.