Monthly Archives: June 2024
Mysterious Omagh Humming Sound Revealed As An Old Age Choir That Just Hums Songs
The mysterious humming sound that has plagued Omagh residents for over a year has been revealed after diligent undercover work by the Tyrone Tribulations Investigative Team (TTIT). Despite government officials declaring that they would not reveal the source, we can reveal that an underground pensioner choir in the town have taken to humming classic songs such as ‘Over The Rainbow’, ‘Two Outta Three Ain’t Bad’ and ‘Ne’er My God To Thee’ due to many of the singers forgetting the words.
The humming choir, which was due to make its debut at the Tyrone Fleadh this year with an average age of 76, have decided not to perform publically because of a possible public backlash after it emerged hundreds of Omagh townspeople haven’t slept in months.
One of the humming singers, simply known as ‘Sinattera’, explained:
“We kept forgetting how some songs started and it was a bit awkward with the silences and all. Then I just told them ‘fcuk it, just hum til we work out the tune’ so we started humming and then just continued humming. Everyone was so happy not to get hit by the conductor. We can hum the whole of the Bat Outta Hell album by Meatloaf. But we’d get our heads kicked in if some of the sleepless people saw us.”
Omagh residents have agreed not to take the 30-strong hummers to court but have warned them never to perform again or they’ll get burnt out of it in their underground bunker on the Gortin Road.
Tyrone GAA Deny Plan To ‘Drive Derry Back To Divison Four’ By Infiltrating Key Positions In Oak Leaf County
Tyrone GAA officials have refuted allegations that an initiative to infiltrate Derry GAA managerial jobs at all levels, as well as schools, to return Derry to Division 4, was discussed at the County Convention last year, after it looked like Derry was going to come close to winning a second All-Ireland in the coming years.
Derry GAA has since revealed that they have been inundated with applicants for county managerial jobs from Tyrone men at U17, U20, and Senior level, despite the jobs never being advertised or needing to be filled. Additionally, a whistle-blower from within the Tyrone GAA camp has alleged that a secret convention was held between major stakeholders within the county to discuss breaking the Derry revival and “driving the bastards back to Division 4“.
The unnamed source added:
“They talked about a secret agent who was going to take over a major post in Derry and endear himself to supporters by winning a few matches, only to push them over the edge from the highest point of the hill. Then all underage structures would be targeted in a strategically timed manner, starting with getting Tyrone men into Principal jobs in schools around Dungiven, Bellaghy, Ballinderry and Maghera.”
A Tyrone GAA official has denied the allegation but admitted it didn’t look good for their dear neighbours before walking off and singing Danny Boy and winking.
Warm Saturday Sees Spray Tan Carnage At Gortin First Communion
An outspoken priest has scolded mothers at a First Communion ceremony in Gortin for ruining their daughters’ big day by melting over their white dresses due to the hot weather.
Fr Derek Kneeler, 54, also lambasted the local spray tan salon which was offering a £20 full body spray First Communion special.
“These women were showing up pure orange. And with the hot weather and the heating on in the chapel, I could see half of them with streaks down their faces and struggling in general to see. Then the photos after were a disaster. The young girls’ dresses looked like Armagh flags because the mothers were hugging them. That salon should be burned to the ground.”
One father was suspected of having had a tan on but he denied the accusation, claiming he just drank too much Lucozade that morning.
Meanwhile, three potholes near Cookstown have been shortlisted for the next Wonder of the World.
Tyrone Tribulations 