Parties across the spectrum here have expressed disappointment at the lack of votes by the dead this year in today’s election, citing apathy and lack of effort on the part of the deceased.

The departed, who at one time accounted for up to 40% of votes in the six counties, retaliated by claiming very little has been done in recent years ‘to jazz up the graves’ and tackle underage drinking and littering around the place.

Sinn Fein activist Geroid McClenaghan fumed:

“There was a time when our dearly departed made the effort on voting day and that was the difference betwen being elected or being left on the scrapheap. Now, they are not just resting in peace, they’re being god damn lazy. The don’t make the dead the way they used to. I blame modern society.”

Roddy McGrin, who died in 1956, hit back:

“Themuns up in Stormont sitting on their holes doing nothing for us here in the cemetery. It’s like being in hell here. Younguns full on Buckfast dancing to music with no words til all hours at night and no cops about. Why should we bother our backsides backing them wasters? I’d rather be six-foot under than vote for that shower. Oh, wait….”

Meanwhile, voting in Coalisland was suspended from 5-6pm after Landi’s announced a Happy Hour with a sausage supper and Lilt costing just £3.99.