Monthly Archives: August 2024
Shocking Scenes At Rose Of Tralee After Party: Cursing, Drinking Beer and Giving The Fingers
It has emerged that the Rose of Tralee after-party descended into chaos with many of the ‘Roses’ churning out profanities and obscenities, drinking bottles of beer, and several instances of Roses giving each other the fingers from across tables, as well as dirty looks.
Witnesses also confirmed reports that two of the Roses almost came to blows outside the female toilets due to an argument over whether Dáithí Ó Sé or Ray D’Arcy was the better presenter. The fight was side-stepped after an impromptu rendition of It’s A Long Way To Tipperary was started by the New York Rose and spread throughout the room, disarming the situation.
A waitress at the event revealed:
“Ye think these girls are all nice but with a few drinks in them, they are terrors. There was a Rose of the west of the country who was glaring at the London Rose all night and then just kept giving her the fingers and calling her bad words. She was nearly going to give her the middle finger but was stopped by the Dublin Rose. One of the northern Roses was necking Peroni and burping. I’m just glad we didn’t have to call the priest.
Bouncers had to move in at 2am and close the party after two Roses started doing provocative dance moves to Lady In Red, making a clatter of the Escorts blush.
Eels Hold Protest At Mouth Of River Bann Over State Of Lough Neagh
Scientists have confirmed that thousands of eels have gathered at Bannfoot at the southern part of Lough Neagh to protest against the state Lough Neagh is currently in. In addition, fish-speak specialists are close to working out the wording of what seems to be an eel chant along the lines of “Don’t Be Mean, Clear The Green” or something to that effect.
Professor Burt McCourt, who managed to debunk the Loch Ness Monster folktale after 10 years of closely staring the Scottish waterway, is also concerned that there might be a smaller splinter protesting eel group who believe the green algae is fake news.
“It seems a bit complicated down at Bannfoot there. I noticed a group of about 60000 eels circling around the mouth of the river as it flows into the Lough. I know they are definitely protesting at the state of the Lough as they are humming some kind of mantra. They are on the left-hand side. The ones on the right I don’t think are too fussed about protesting and want to charge ahead. I just hope it doesn’t turn nasty.”
Meanwhile, Stormont is looking into possibly making money out of the green waterways for St Patrick’s Day, to rival Boston.
Principals Warn Parents To Stop Hanging Around School Gates – Still A Month To Go
The Head Teachers Union has appealed to parents to go home and enjoy the rest of the summer holidays after it emerged several schools have been forced to chase parents from loitering around school gates to see if there’s any movement inside.
St Feichin’s School in Moygashel had to call the police after twenty parents scaled the wire fence and started banging on the principal’s window as she prepared for the coming academic year.
Union leader Mrs Joy Duster appealed:
“Please, please go home. There’s still the guts of a month yet and the children will not be getting in until their given starting date. We understand the weather hasn’t been great but with the Olympics on and a new series of Stranger Things coming out, it shouldn’t be too hard to keep the children entertained for another four weeks.”
One parent, who wished to remain anonymous, added
“For the love of God, take them back early. We’ll even pay the voluntary contribution thing that no one pays. I can’t listen to the Fortnite music any more. And the Taylor |Swift album can do one too. And they keep eating the bread.”
Mary (44), from the Moy, went on to say that some teachers are roaming the village from pub to pub, rubbing it in.
Croke Park Seagull Speaks To TT In Most Powerful Interview Yet
The Croke Park Seagull has joined us here today in what promises to be the most remarkable interview ever done on the island of Ireland this year.
The gull made national news after he stayed on the field of play in the All-Ireland Final on Sunday between Galway and Armagh until he was forcibly removed by a steward halfway through the first half.
In this explosive interview, we learn a little about his background and what made him do the unthinkable on Sunday. Strap up for one hell of a ride.
First of all, tell us a little about yourself.
Well, first of all, thank you for having me here. Us seagulls rarely get the chance to speak on national platforms so we as a community are grateful for the opportunity to do this.
Remember, only tell us what you’re comfortable with
Yes, well my name is Steve. I’m actually a herring gull and come from a long line of gulls from Dublin. In fact, my great aunt actually came from your neck of the woods, near Dungiven, but she was unfortunately shot by a farmer in Draperstown. (sobs)
Very sorry to hear that and if anyone reading this has been affected by farmers shooting at them, please contact us and we’ll see that you’re sorted. OK, moving on, why were you on the pitch on Sunday?
Well TT, to be honest, I was sick of what I was watching so I decided to push up on the Galway kickouts in the first 10 minutes to make them go long. We need to see some midfield battles again and I made sure any space in front of the keeper was filled.
Fair point. We noticed that you changed wings after 15 minutes. Not on the field, your actual wings. Why was that, my man?
You have to keep evolving in this game. I could see McGeeney squinting at me so I took advantage of that and sort of shape-shifted a bit. It worked and you could see Rian O’Neill was totally off his game at the start. He was bamboozled.
You have come in for a bit of criticism after it emerged you’d signed up to a sponsorship deal with Paddy Power before the game, is this true Steve?
Well TT, when you are gull with a life expectancy of 20 years you have to make hay. I also had PP tattooed onto my beak but the cameras didn’t pick it up. My bosses weren’t best pleased (laughter)
Finally Steve, any plans for another TV appearance?
Well, the people behind Mrs Brown’s Boys contacted me asking if I’d be interested in making a guest appearance. I told them to go to (BLEEP) and that I’d rather be stoned by a pile of Dublin kids that appear on that shite.
Apologies for the language there, readers, but that’s live interviews for you (laughter).
I’d like to take this opportunity to give a shout-out to Julie, the wife, who is unwell at the minute with the vomiting after accidentally eating her own faeces thinking it was ice-cream
Thank you very much Steve for the interview. Next week we will have a very special guest in the studio which I know will be the best one yet.
(Steve the herring gull attacks TT presenter).
Tyrone Tribulations 