Monthly Archives: September 2024
Cookstown Trumpet Player Invents Way To Breathe Through Anus.
A 59-year-old veteran trumpeter has found a method to breathe through his anus while playing the trumpet, allowing him to hold a note for a staggering 16 minutes.
Henry McCann, whose discovery will make it easier for all wind instrumentalists to play without taking a breath, claims he discovered the method while playing at his kitchen sink, bent over with legs apart, whilst looking out the window at the neighbour cutting her hedge.
“I couldn’t believe it as first and thought I’d ripped my trousers. It turned out that the way I was standing allowed me to suck air up my backside. It has revolutionised my playing and it has also helped my sinus issues. You just need to stick your backside out like a baboon and suck in.”
Scientists are looking into the claim and are excited about what this will mean for other developments including communicating through the backside.
McCann will perform his first 4-hour concert this weekend around the back of the Glenavon.
Fake Sam Maguire Raises Doubts If All Ireland Was Played At All. Replay On Cards.
News that the Sam Maguire Cup which has toured the pubs and clubs in the county of Armagh was a fake has cast doubts over whether the All-Ireland Final was played at all in the first place.
Croke Park officials have admitted they can’t confirm whether the fake trophy was presented to the Armagh captain on the day and may have to declare the name null and void.
Thousands of Armagh supporters have reacted angrily to the news, with many tearing up photographs after it emerged that the cup was not the real Sam Maguire but a replica made by a man in a garage in Loughmacrory, near Omagh. He pocketed £50 a photo off unsuspecting Orchard fans.
Alarmingly, Croke Park might order the match to be played again to ensure the correct trophy is in place at the start of the match.
An Armagh supporter fumed:
“Them Tyrone ones. They can’t let us have even the slightest happiness. If they ruin this for us they’ll never get one more apple off us, for ten years at least. This is a bollocks.”
Galway are already in training for the rematch.
Anger As Thousands Mistakenly Book Tickets For Oasis Nightclub In Strabane
Oasis Nightclub in Strabane has been accused of purposely misleading the public after advertising their nighttime dancing club on Ticketmaster at the same time as tickets went on sale for the band of the same name.
The advert, which offered tickets for £50 with promises of ‘a great light show, smoke machine, and fantastic music’, sold over 2700 units for the night of Sunday 17th August next year. Oasis nightclub, which usually pulls in around 200 people on a good night, claims they have done nothing wrong:
“It was just a pure coincidence. We genuinely didn’t know it was the same time as the band Oasis was playing in Croke Park as we’re more into country music here. If it’s any consolation, we’ll play one or two Oasis songs and we will use extra smoke from the machine for the slow set.”
Meanwhile, Liam Gallagher is rumoured to visit the county around the time of the concerts to catch a glimpse of the electric tractor in Kildress. One of their most famous songs commemorates the time he saw the tractor for the first time at a tractor convention in Liverpool. Kildress native, Gerry Loughran, when quizzed by Gallagher as to why it was so quiet, told the Mancunian, ‘She’s Electric’.
Tyrone Tribulations 