Road authorities have admitted they might have to stick a petrol station and cafe on the newly proposed Cookstown Bypass after realising they’ve added 16 miles onto the journey due to farmer disputes, rivers, soggy ground, potholes, and fairy trees.

Plans for the new bypass have also raised concerns about driver dizziness, with over 19 sharp turns over the 16-mile new road. Authorities have also admitted there is no money to fix new potential potholes in the area until 2028.

An irate Magherafelt man, who goes home through the town every day, fumed:

“What kind of a bollocks made that map? I’d rather sit in a 2-mile tailback for an hour than throw-up on the new 16-mile bypass full of potholes. I’ve seen smoother rollercoasters. It’ll be a graveyard for axles. And you can be rest assured the cops will be out making a fortune on tyre damage. Some of them potholes are meant to be going to be as big as small paddling pools.”

Work on the new bypass will begin in the new year when the digger man gets over Christmas. Tenders will also be put out for eateries on the new bypass to give drivers a break.