Monthly Archives: November 2025
Pope Leo Catches Tyrone Jersey And Starts Saying Things Are Deadly and Lethal
Pope Leo, who caught a Tyrone jersey thrown at him in Rome this week, has alarmed his closest aides by totally changing his mannerisms and dialect since the incident. After celebrating Mass at St Peter’s this morning, he commented to the altar boys that it was a ‘deadly mass altogether’ and that it was ‘lethal to see a big crowd’, and was glad ‘them shower a hoors didn’t wreck it’, pointing at protesters outside the Vatican.
There are fears that he may start practising the dark arts, although it was only southern media suggesting that.
Leo, who once lined out for the Philadelphia Fighting Cocks at full back in 1977, marking Frank McGuigan out of the game, has already suggested he might attend a Tyrone game after asking reporters if they were ‘heading til Clones the year’ to looks of confusion from the Italian press.
Cappagh Admits To Using Northern Lights As Christmas Tree Switch On Event. Clouds Leave Locals Disappointed.
Cappagh Village Community Group has admitted that, as a cost-cutting initiative, they asked a local meteorologist to use their knowledge of solar flares to predict the best night to advertise the Christmas Light ‘turn on’ and simply use the sky instead of an actual tree.
Villagers were unable to see the lights on the night due to a cloudy sky, but were told that a picture of the lights would be uploaded later to the community’s Facebook page, to a round of rapturous applause from those who were still standing about.
Optimistic locals claim that although it was slightly disappointing that there were no actual lights or trees, they will continue to congregate every night at 9pm at the village centre in case they turn up. They were also pleased that there was a bit of the moon poking through on the night.
Tyrone Man Without Tattoos Cannot Get Job In Hospitality
A Tyrone man with 15 years of experience as a barman, waiter, and back-of-house work in Ireland, London, and New York, claims he cannot get a job because he does not have any tattoos.
Liam McMahon, who has also enjoyed stints as a travel writer, told the BBC that the perception of food these days has changed that much that unless waiters are “covered in stupid tattoos” they will not be suitable for the hospitality industry.
Mr McMahon told us:
“I turned up alongside three other people for a job at the Cappuchino Room in Coalisland yesterday, and I was literally the only one of us who had actually worked as a waiter. One lad was straight out of prison, complete with teardrop tattoos under his eyes, swallows where his thumb met his index finger and spiderwebs on his elbows. Needless to say I didn’t get the job”
Mr McMahon, a native of Beragh, told us that this inability to get work in the field in which he is experienced has led to serious strain on his relationship. His fiancée said to him that he should draw tattoos on with a biro until he gets hired somewhere, and then wash them off afterwards. As a principled man, he has refused to do so.
“It’s a sad day when Conor McGregor, or that lad from that x-files episode at the carnival, is better placed to get work taking orders and serving food that a man with several years experience at some of the world’s best known restaurants just because of what is currently in vogue. I mean where will it end?”
We have approached the Equality Commission for comment.
Tyrone Tribulations 