Monthly Archives: March 2026
Tyrone People Told To Stop Saying They’re ‘Suckin Diesel’ As It’s Too Expensive
A sadness has descended upon the bushes as Tyrone people have been ordered by Stormont officials to stop saying they’re sucking diesel as an expression of happiness, as it’s driving the already-nervous fuel prices up even further.
The ability to suck diesel, which dates back to 1700s Augher when locals used to suck diesel from primitive lawnmowers to spit into the mouths of donkeys to make them work harder, has been a staple diet of Tyronians as an indication that things were going well.
When asked by the Tyrone Tourism Board (TTB) how they should replace the phrase when expressing their happiness, they were told by MLA Justin McNukky to just say something like ‘aye, deadly enough’, but to definitely not mention fuel.
Meanwhile, the Tyrone county squad has been bolstered by the return of Harry McClure and Jon Lynch.
Dungannon Man Panic Buys Over 600 Bottles Of Cooking Oil Due To Middle-East Conflict.
A Dungannon chiropractor purchased 612 bottles of Flora cooking oil after his wife ordered him to ‘get the oil in’ before it was too expensive to buy.
Eamonn McNally (52), who once won Mr Wrangler Jeans Dungannon in the 1990s, bought the oil after visiting 35 shops in the greater Dungannon area.
Mrs McNally did not greet the panic buy with the same enthusiasm as her husband expected:
“Another bollocks of a decision by himself again. Reminds me of the time I told him to buy toilet roll the time Covid was announced and he came home with one roll. Now he’s gone the other way, and got that wrong too.”
The McNallys finally got a delivery of 300L of home heating oil for £1000, but will attempt to recoup some of that by making 200 fry-ups for the community tomorrow for £5 a go, available from a table outside their house in Lisnahull.
Tyrone Tribulations 