Category Archives: Castlederg
Castlederg Final Game Ends In Farce. Mentor Meant Well.
Kelly never got it on time
Castlederg GAA senior league campaign ended in farcical scenes yesterday after a misunderstanding between the management and players saw their star forward misdiagnosed after suffering from leg cramp late on in the game. Owen Roes and Castlederg fought out a drawn game (0-6 to 1-3) in a fixture the county league officials completely forgot about. The mentor in question, Maurice Quinn, told us of the background to the mix-up:
“Ah hell, I was an honest mistake. Ye see, as assistant manager I wanted to make a good impression in case I got the main gig next season. Earlier in the season I was delegated with the task of looking after the health and well-being of the players. Our main man, Kieran Kelly, has a mild form of diabetes and I was to administer a Mars Bar to him if he felt weakish. Well, after a dozen games I started getting complacent and was eating the bar towards the end of the matches. I suppose I was taking a chance like. Then, against Brocagh, didn’t Kelly start feeling a bit weak with 5 minutes left. They turned to me and the chocolate all over my lower face told its tale. I felt ashamed. Luckily someone in the crowd had a Curly Wurly.”
Quinn redoubled his efforts to prove his worth and looked after every tiny detail of all squad players, offering massages and even dressing them after games. He had won back the confidence of his manager, until yesterday’s game up at Owen Roes watched by 45 people.
“The game was petering out uneventfully and I knew I was in with a good shout of getting the job next year. With time running out didn’t Kelly go down again. Without thinking I sprinted onto the field, unwrapping the Giant Size Snickers that I had bought especially as a treat as I ran. I slid alongside our stricken FF and began frantically stuffing the bar down his throat. It wasn’t until he was able to stop choking on the chocolate that he told me, rather forcibly, that he just had ‘feckin leg cramp’. Then it turned out he was allergic to nuts. The ambulance men managed to stem the reaction.”
Quinn has been released from his position at the club and is currently seeking employment at Moy Park.
Castlederg To Host Cross-Community Paramilitary Games
The Castlederg Community Project have moved to cash-in on the feel-good factor following the Olympic and Paralympic Games in London by announcing the inaugural 2012 Paramilitary Games. In a concerted effort to develop community relations on both sides of the divide, all paramilitary groups will be invited including the UDA, PIRA, RIRA, CIRA, RHD, UFF, DAAD, UVF, INLA, LVF and the OV.
“We’re really excited to be invited”, the INLA claimed through a coded telephone call. “We’ve been practicing the shot putt for ages now and have high hopes of at least a bronze medal. We hear that the UVF have a few big men but it’s all about how you perform on the day up in Castlederg.”
Paramilitary Games Promotional Photoshoot
All participants are required by the recently drawn-up rules to wear balaclavas and wooly jumpers which does present a problem for the swimming competition. The RHD were a little worried about the strict dress code:
“That is a bit of a hindrance alright. The lads have been out in Belfast Lough practicing in their work clothes so we’re confident we can adapt to conditions. There has been a recent shipment of skin-tight balaclavas from China which will give us an advantage over the provos who still use the 1980s model. The River Derg can be treacherous”
Those attending the opening ceremony in the ‘Derg will witness an array of musical acts including The Wolfe Tones, The Shankill Accordian Band and Willie McCrea who will sing the Games’ anthem called “I hae a leanin’ twards the Laird, bein’ a Christian” in Ulster Scots. The £10 firework display has been cancelled due to concerns about the sound it makes.
Tyrone Tribulations 