Moortown man, heavy drinker, 35. Seeks any type of woman, size not important, who’s  interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Moortown St Malachy’s and has been known to start fights outside the Glenavon at three o’clock in the morning. Good arms for pouring a must.

Teetotal Stewartstown joiner, 55,  following a sad recent loss seeks a replacement mammy. Must like biscuits and answer to the name Minnie.

Augher man, 44, hideous looking, obese, bad odour, bad-tempered, cowardly and lazy. Seeks the complete opposite. No time-wasters.

Loughmacrory woman, 39, currently researching animal public executions, seeks man up to 40 for nights of gentle sobbing while shaking clenched fists at the ceiling. Must have own car.

Bitter unsuccessful Omagh woman, 41, wallowing in an unending pit of self-pity, seeks nerdy, leech-type who I can bore to tears with dull tales and listening to K.D. Lang CDs.

4-toed Mountjoy farmer, 51, likes spiders, buttermilk and a good long mass. Seeks chesty lesbian for the challenge. Must have no sense of smell.

Tall, well-built, frustrated Cookstown woman, 40, can’t take any more rejection, seeks man not unused to the sound of wailing coming from a bedroom from which he is strictly prohibited. Needs to tell me how attractive I am on the hour.

Angry, simple-minded Aghaloo widower, 77, balding, partially blind with a passion for pickles and scotch eggs. Seeks a heavily-tattooed hairy woman for nights of passion in the open fields of Aughnacloy. No freaks.

Omagh Woman, 35.  Happily married until husband sponsored an African village goat in her name as a birthday gift. Would like to meet man  for whom the phrase ‘I’d really like a pair of diamond earrings’ isn’t meant ironically. Must have holiday home in Donegal and Europe.