A rally was held tonight in the centre of Killeeshil after it emerged that local boiler servicers have been left twiddling their thumbs as most oil companies decide to go legit and deal only in clean oil. Up until early 2012, dirty oil meant the money rolled in on a regular basis for the Corgi Registered handy men with boilers often bursting into flames. Oil companies themselves were benefitting from mixing the home heating oil with water, cooking oil and general dirt with 50 gallons magically expanding to over double that.

“I don’t know what they think they’re at,” Paddy Morgan told us. “When you think of the severe winters recently coupled with the crap substandard oil swishing around it, we were more important than God. We were worshipped. Our phones would be red-hot from October til April with all manner of boiler problems. The oil men themselves were getting some mileage out of their stuff my throwing in sorts of nonsense into it. I knew of a man near Eskra and he’d even get his workers to urinate into the oil tanks at his garage. It was a win-win situation for all.”

Once happy Killeeshil boiler engineers

In a sudden pang of guilt, most companies have mysteriously decided to go clean and dish out only 100% pure oil, leaving the boiler men up in arms.

“Those money-grabbing wasters are thinking only of themselves and their so-called conscience all of a sudden. Well, what about us? We have mouths to feed too and the skulduggery was doing that for years. Bastards the lot of them. I blame religion”

Remarkably, the protesting servicers were joined by members of the public in an unlikely show of solidarity. One frail, elderly man remarked:

“I miss it you know. I miss the fear that at any given moment the boiler might blow itself up because of the amount of shite in the oil. When you add in the freezing minus 10 conditions and the chance that it’d be lights out for an old man like me with circulation problems at the best of times, the buzz I got from the possibly devastation kept me going. Now I know it’ll be chugging away smoothly in the morning. It’s a bit boring to be honest.”

Rumours that a dissident Boiler Men group have been going around sabotaging boilers is, so far, unfounded.