Artist’s impression of Derrylaughan 2016

Leaked documentation has confirmed that Derrylaughan’s ambition to become a world power by assembling an impressive fleet of naval ships at their own base on Lough Neagh are at an advanced stage. Suspicions grew at the weekend following the plantation of 30-feet tall evergreen trees at the loughshore, covering from view any work being carried out on the warships or port at the Lough. This morning, the documentation shows they plan to assemble 10 aircraft carriers, 22 cruisers, 62 destroyers, 28 frigates, 3 littoral combat ships, 9 amphibious assault ships, 2 amphibious command ships, 9 amphibious transport docks, 12 dock landing ships, 53 attack submarines, 14 ballistic missile submarines, 4 guided missile submarines, 14 mine countermeasures ships, 11 patrol boats, and 1 ship for catching pullens.

Worried Ardboe fisherman Frankie McGrogan told us:

“We knew this day would come. Them fcukers down the road have been up to something for ages. I’d a fair idea it was on the cards when we played Derrylaughan down at the Washingbay earlier in the year. I heard some of their players refer to Admiral Cushnahan and Commander In Chief Carney during play. We’re on red alert. They’re going to plunder us first mission just like the Vikings did in 955. I’ve locked up the shed anyway. They can take our women and Brocagh.”

Admiral Cushnahan denied any knowledge of the plans and explained his new name:

“Ah now sure it’s only a bit of craic like. The boys call me admiral because I’m a big fan of butterflies and my personal favourite is the Red Admiral. As for them there plans you have, it’s just some bucko messing around – probably a school project. I’ll give them back to the Rear-Admiral, sorry, young lad. Listen, we have no designs on world dominance. There’s no way we could complete with the South Korea Navy. Their modern ships and amphibious capability with AEGIS technology would destroy us in a millisecond. And sure, how could we get them out of the Lough? It’d be some sight for the people of Toome to watch those ships pass down the Bann. Frightening. Powerful.”

Ardboe have moved to counteract these recent developments by building a big wooden boat with a giant-sized slingshot.