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Toilet Rolls Sell Out In Gortin Area Before Arrival Of Storm Eowyn. ‘Use Ferns’ Advises Government.
The government has uploaded videos of how to use ferns and brackens to replace the use of toilet rolls, after the big Spar shop in Gortin as well as all the minor shops in the area pleaded for shoppers to stop asking for workers to search for toilet rolls ‘around the back’ as locals fear the worst before the arrival of storm Eowyn.
Andrex, Velvet and Nicky have also confirmed that they will not be shipping extra toilet rolls to the Gortin area as there is already a big demand in other areas such as Cookstown, Dungannon, Strabane and Omagh.
Gortin shopper, Liam Coyle, fumed:
“If the ministers think I’m heading into the Gortin Glens to clean my hole in broad daylight with a few ferns, they’ve another thing coming. I’m 76 and have a bit of dignity. They need to dip into the reserves around Stormont and give us what we need before this storm arrives. With the amount of shite they spew up there, I’m sure there’s a plethora of bog roll hidden on the hill.”
When asked why people were stocking up on toilet rolls before a gale, Coyle said it was in case the electricity goes out.
Brocagh Man Still Can’t Remember Where He Parked His Car Outside Coalisland Supermarket
Robinson, an hour ago
48 hours on, Brocagh pipe-mender Jody Robinson is still pondering where he parked his car after popping in to Springisland supermarket in Coalisland to buy cheap toilet rolls and a chicken in a bag.
Robinson, who has been standing in the outside foyer, thinking, since Monday, thought he’d parked it on the left hand side as you come out but isn’t totally sure. He refuses to walk any further in case people laugh at him walking around looking for it.
Mrs Robsinson, speaking from her home on the loughshore, maintains he’s too proud to ask for help:
“Jody is stubborn. But he’d need to hurry up as there has been no toilet roll for two days now and the children are growing weary of docken leaves. The chicken will be bucked too.”
Meanwhile, an entrepreneur from Aghyaran claims he has a method to cure car-parking forgetfulness. He has invented a car key which, when pressed in an emergency, shouts ‘I’m over here’ in an accent of your choosing. So far, the most popular accents have been Gortin and Plumbridge.
Tyrone Tribulations 