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Elated Man (69) Finds A Car Parking Space In Dungannon
The new parking system
A delighted Loughshore pensioner has described his elation at find a parking space in the newly revamped Dungannon Square after circling for 4 hours solid on Wednesday morning.
Philly O’Neill, who visits Dungannon weekly to collect his pension but last claimed a parking space in August, claimed he almost passed out with excitement and needed to rest for half an hour, taking up half of his allocated parking time. Sipping celebratory champagne, he told us:
“It was a great feeling. For four months I’ve circled and failed, returning home with nothing but an empty tank. In October I nearly got a space but was told to ‘move on to feck’ by a woman who was standing in it holding a hammer, waiting for her friend I think. I’d racked up nearly £3000 in pension money so it was a great bonus to get it all at once.”
O’Neill’s stroke of luck follows a series of negative publicity over the new town square layout, with hundreds of non-shoppers flocking to Dungannon on foot to watch motorists battle with the new lights system and parking arrangements. Local confection store owner Leo Morgan revealed he sells 400 units of popcorn a week to pedestrians who make their way to the town to view the carnage:
“It’s like a freak show. People are circling for hours, getting more irate and dangerously dizzy. In all the manic confusion, drivers begin stopping at lights that don’t exist and driving through those that do. We counted an average of seven fist fights a day and a man fired a gun last week at someone who waiting for someone to reverse out of a space. I even saw two sisters batter a man of the Church with spanners and wrenches. Deadly crack altogether.”
Shoppers have responded to the news that shop owners are parking in the best spaces by driving over their cars using planks and monster truck wheels.
Beragh Batman ‘A Bit of a Disaster’
Beragh’s attempts to rid its streets, loanans and ramparts of crime has been abandoned after it failed to clean up any form of law-breaking over a two-week period. Last month, UTV highlighted the alarming rise in crime in Beragh since the start of 2012 with a 200% increase in jumping that red light they have on the Main Street as well as a general increase in cursing. Soon after the report the Beragh Crime Prevention Committee appointed a ‘Batman’ type vigilante who was given powers to deal with any form of illegal or unchristian activity on the spot.
“Ah Jaysus it was a disaster from the start,” local kitchen-fitter Gary Bogue told us. “Sure we all knew it was the Lord Mayor’s wife. She has that oul gammy leg from she was a wean and you could tell by the dander on her, even with the stupid mask on her. It wasn’t even a good mask either. No more like Batman than I’m like a cow clap. No one paid her any heed. Despite witnessing 45 motors break the red light in her first day, she didn’t manage to apprehend any. Once stopped, the offender would simply laugh at her and then tell her to go feck herself the limpy oul hoor. It was a farce. She should have been given an M45 or something and blown the head clean off the first offender. That’d get the message across.”
The Beragh Batman
Operation Batman came to a head when she entered the local bar and took down the names of anyone who she heard cursing. After filling two jotters comprising of almost everyone in the village, she was taken outside by a couple of hardened drinkers and ordered to squawk like a blackbird whilst doing a close form of Riverdance as they clapped and cheered. The Beragh Batman announced her retirement that evening.
“That’s the last time I’ll try to clean up the streets of Beragh. Savages.”
The traffic light was last night reported missing with a 450% increase in general cursing heard in the area. The UN are keeping an eye on proceedings.
Tyrone Tribulations 