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Witchcraft On The Rise After Ireland’s Eurovision Entry
Schools in Tyrone have reported that witchery is on the rise in the county after several children were spotted running around on brooms, talking about boiling cats and casting spells on teachers. Educationalists have linked it to Bambi Thug’s Eurovision entry.
Bambi, who used to play camogie for Carrickmore during a holiday there in 2017, has stormed the European scene with their song about the colour blue and Harry Potter. However, young people have been captivated by the witchery of the entry and have started changing their names to Hag McGuinness and Hag O’Neill, for example.
Principal of Ardboe Elementary Prep School, Master Coyle, explained:
“It’s an awful hassle to be honest. We had 14 young girls arriving on brooms last Friday and fitting them into the cloakroom was a nusiance. Then half the brooms were stolen so we had to wait on the owners casting spells on whoever stole them and that took ages too. Then all the cats roaming about wasn’t helpful as they were shitting all over the school. I hope Bambi wins like but this is a handlin.”
One of the teachers has also embraced the new trend, Hag Coney (38), and is currently riding her broom around Moortown.
Tyrone Court Notices – October 2012
I SAID NO ONE MOVE
Two Stewartstown mechanics have been refused bail after a botched robbery attempt in the local Post Office. McKnight and Hobson were attempting to rob the popular PO during lunch time yesterday only to be foiled by a misunderstanding between the pair. McKnight shouted “b’jaysus, nobody move” after securing the doors tight. All staff and customers obediently stood still whilst his fellow robber moved to collect the money from the counter and was promptly shot in the leg by his nervous partner. Case adjourned until Hobson recovers.
A SLOW DAY
A robbery in Coalisland was foiled when police managed to arrest the villain after two hours from the commencement of the dastardly deed. Murray held up the town’s chip shop and tied up the owner only to find there were few takings in the till (£9.50). He proceeded to put on the shop’s overalls and worked for two hours serving locals chips, fish, mineral and sausages in order to boost his takings by which time the PSNI arrived and arrested him. The judged sentenced Murray to three months but commended him on his work ethic.
UNDERAGE ROBBERY
A canny Strabane off-license vendor saved the day after an initially successful robbery of the till in the town’s Winemart. The Sion Mills robber, Mr Tomney, held up the off-license and filled his bags with the takings. He then demanded a bottle of whiskey from behind the counter. The fast thinking cashier, Mick Lundy, asked for ID to prove he was over 18. Tomney supplied it before making off with £45 and a bottle of Ardbeg single malt. Lundy immediately phoned the police with the naive robber’s name and address. The were waiting for him as he arrived home. Tomney is out on bail.
OLD HAGS
The Omagh Witch Trials began yesterday, the first of its kind in Ireland since 1467. Thirteen women were reported to authorities last weekend of possessing hag-like appearances and mumbling incoherently at the end of the night in the town square. The defense pointed to the fact that they were simply a group of Tattyreagh girls dressed up for the night to the best of their ability and were simply palatic by the time they spilled out onto the street at 1am. The prosecution, the Reverend Willy Smith, said he’d never seen such she-devil behaviour since a night out in Maynooth in 1969. The trial continues.
Tyrone Tribulations 