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Cookstown Defendant Tells Judge ‘I Know Your Mother’ And Winked. Court Adjourned.

122492126In Cooktown Court this morning, a Cooktown plumber who gave his name when asked as Ernest ‘Whitey’ Mulligan, was charged with stealing a deckchair, busking without a licence and using bad language to PSNI officers when apprehended. 

The Detective Sergeant, who gave evidence of finding Mulligan outside the O2 shop sitting in the deck chair playing the spoons to the tune of ‘A Nation Once Again’, told the judge of the torrent of abuse he took when asking the defendant to move on:

Judge: And in what way was the defendant abusive?

Detective Sergeant: Very vocally your honour.

Defendant: I’ve had a loud voice since childhood, lad. 

Judge: And what did he actually say?

Detective Sergeant: He said ‘get your hands off me you over-fed RUC bastard’.

Judge (to defendant): You know that you used unacceptable language to a man of the peace?

Defendant: I apologise, I should have said PSNI. (laughter in court)

Judge: And how did you acquire the deckchair?

Defendant: I bought it off a man from Moneymore.

Judge: For how much?

Defendant: £390 (laughter in court)

Judge: I remind you of your oath in court.

Defendant: (winking at judge) I know your oul doll, lad.

Detective Sergeant: Your Honour, this is the type of guff we’ve had to put up with.

Judge: You’d be well advised to behave yourself.

Defendant (to Detective Sergeant): Do ye hear him, lad? Behave yourself. (laughter)

Judge: Have you a permanent address?

Defendant: (winking) Have you? (laughter in court)

Judge: Is that a threat?

Defendant: Are you threatening me too then?

After a long deliberation with the jury, Justice McVicker returned to give his verdict. Before speaking, the defendant turned to face the jury:

Defendant: I’ll bate the heads off all of yiz. 

Judge: I am to sentence you for suspected theft and illegal busking. I will let you off for abusive language. 

Defendant: What about the other 3211 offences I committed, you hairy-arsed bollocks?

Judge: No abusive langu…….What 3211 offences?

Defendant: I’ve written them all down since 1983. Will you hear them all now?

Judge: Court adjourned, indefinitely.

Ernest ‘Whitey’ Mulligan has no date to return.

Inspired by Myles na gCopaleen

Tyrone Court Notices – October 2012

I SAID NO ONE MOVE

Two Stewartstown mechanics have been refused bail after a botched robbery attempt in the local Post Office. McKnight and Hobson were attempting to rob the popular PO during lunch time yesterday only to be foiled by a misunderstanding between the pair. McKnight shouted “b’jaysus, nobody move” after securing the doors tight. All staff and customers obediently stood still whilst his fellow robber moved to collect the money from the counter and was promptly shot in the leg by his nervous partner. Case adjourned until Hobson recovers.

A SLOW DAY

A robbery in Coalisland was foiled when police managed to arrest the villain after two hours from the commencement of the dastardly deed. Murray held up the town’s chip shop and tied up the owner only to find there were few takings in the till (£9.50). He proceeded to put on the shop’s overalls and worked for two hours serving locals chips, fish, mineral and sausages in order to boost his takings by which time the PSNI arrived and arrested him. The judged sentenced Murray to three months but commended him on his work ethic.

UNDERAGE ROBBERY

A canny Strabane off-license vendor saved the day after an initially successful robbery of the till in the town’s Winemart. The Sion Mills robber, Mr Tomney, held up the off-license and filled his bags with the takings. He then demanded a bottle of whiskey from behind the counter. The fast thinking cashier, Mick Lundy, asked for ID to prove he was over 18. Tomney supplied it before making off with £45 and a bottle of Ardbeg single malt. Lundy immediately phoned the police with the naive robber’s name and address. The were waiting for him as he arrived home. Tomney is out on bail.

OLD HAGS

The Omagh Witch Trials began yesterday, the first of its kind in Ireland since 1467. Thirteen women were reported to authorities last weekend of possessing hag-like appearances and mumbling incoherently at the end of the night in the town square. The defense pointed to the fact that they were simply a group of Tattyreagh girls dressed up for the night to the best of their ability and were simply palatic by the time they spilled out onto the street at 1am. The prosecution, the Reverend Willy Smith, said he’d never seen such she-devil behaviour since a night out in Maynooth in 1969.  The trial continues.

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