Cookstown Defendant Tells Judge ‘I Know Your Mother’ And Winked. Court Adjourned.

122492126In Cooktown Court this morning, a Cooktown plumber who gave his name when asked as Ernest ‘Whitey’ Mulligan, was charged with stealing a deckchair, busking without a licence and using bad language to PSNI officers when apprehended. 

The Detective Sergeant, who gave evidence of finding Mulligan outside the O2 shop sitting in the deck chair playing the spoons to the tune of ‘A Nation Once Again’, told the judge of the torrent of abuse he took when asking the defendant to move on:

Judge: And in what way was the defendant abusive?

Detective Sergeant: Very vocally your honour.

Defendant: I’ve had a loud voice since childhood, lad. 

Judge: And what did he actually say?

Detective Sergeant: He said ‘get your hands off me you over-fed RUC bastard’.

Judge (to defendant): You know that you used unacceptable language to a man of the peace?

Defendant: I apologise, I should have said PSNI. (laughter in court)

Judge: And how did you acquire the deckchair?

Defendant: I bought it off a man from Moneymore.

Judge: For how much?

Defendant: £390 (laughter in court)

Judge: I remind you of your oath in court.

Defendant: (winking at judge) I know your oul doll, lad.

Detective Sergeant: Your Honour, this is the type of guff we’ve had to put up with.

Judge: You’d be well advised to behave yourself.

Defendant (to Detective Sergeant): Do ye hear him, lad? Behave yourself. (laughter)

Judge: Have you a permanent address?

Defendant: (winking) Have you? (laughter in court)

Judge: Is that a threat?

Defendant: Are you threatening me too then?

After a long deliberation with the jury, Justice McVicker returned to give his verdict. Before speaking, the defendant turned to face the jury:

Defendant: I’ll bate the heads off all of yiz. 

Judge: I am to sentence you for suspected theft and illegal busking. I will let you off for abusive language. 

Defendant: What about the other 3211 offences I committed, you hairy-arsed bollocks?

Judge: No abusive langu…….What 3211 offences?

Defendant: I’ve written them all down since 1983. Will you hear them all now?

Judge: Court adjourned, indefinitely.

Ernest ‘Whitey’ Mulligan has no date to return.

Inspired by Myles na gCopaleen

About Gombeen

Trying hard to make it up.

Posted on August 26, 2015, in Cookstown and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. Fantastic. So real it couldn’t be true, so true it couldn’t be real, But it is. Brilliant.


  2. This is the best piece of comedy I’d read in many years.


  3. The original in “The Best of Myles” is even more amusing.


    • Ah mine is a very poor imitation


      • Now now, no guilt complexes; you indicated honestly that you had been “taken” or inspired by Brian O’Nolan, a man from Strabane we must emphasise, who wrote many a hilarious yarn, not to mention his serious literature writings. Now that the Press has been informed of this erudite linguist from Tyrone man’s humour and literature, thanks to your honourable self and your contribution, Tyrone’s heritage will be delved into more closely. We have a great deal for which to thank you.

        From France and still following “ivry” day, for there are no pints in this place for a laugh As for the locals, well it’s not like being in Lavery’s down in Ardboe on a Saturday night.


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