BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

A proposal released by Dungannon & South Tyrone Council has confirmed that the word ‘yes’ has fallen out of popular usage in the county, and will be replaced by number of alternatives. ‘Yes’ will now be phased out of the spoken language from January 2015, with an anticipated but completely unexplainable £18m of savings to the tax payer.

Instead of the word ‘yes’, a number of phrases already in common usage will replace it, including: ‘That’ll do’, ‘Sound’, ‘It is surely’, ‘Surely to God’, ‘You can bet your bollocks it is’, ‘A hundred per cent’, ‘Grand’, ‘Crack on’, ‘Aye’ and ‘Sure, why not’.

The fantasist behind the idea, local Councillor Declan Brady, said,

“After some significant and exhaustive research outside Argos in Dungannon one Tuesday morning, we found that people didn’t even recognise the word ‘yes’ any more. It’s one of those old-fashioned words that people no longer use, like ‘chum’, ‘aerodrome’ or ‘phone’. It’s got to go. It’s time for the county to say ‘no’ to ‘yes’”.

Firmly against the proposed change however is headmaster of St Mark’s School in Newtownstewart, Colm McQuillan, who rejects the idea. Asked if he intended to fight against the proposal, he said,

“I will surely. We use thon word all the time. Will we fight this all the way? Oh aye. We’d be lost without it. People need to stand up to the man. Should we keep this wee word as part of our everyday language? My answer is clear. Definitely”.

Defending his position, Brady explained,

“’Yes’ just isn’t popular any more. Tyrone people will frequently use the auxiliary verb from the question when making the answer, hence making the word ‘yes’ redundant”.

However, McQuillan retorted,

“Auxiliary what? Who does this boyo think he is with his big long words? Stephen Fry? He should catch himself on. I’ll tell him what he can do with his verbs. He can go and feck. Now there’s a good verb. No way we’re getting rid of one of our finest words. Just the other week one of my pupils asked if they could borrow some glue and aerosols for some after-school activity. ‘Go on ahead’, I says. Now, how on earth could I have answered that without one of our best words? I’ve spoken to all the teachers and parents about this. Do they all think it’s madness? Dead on. Auxiliary verbs my bangle”.