Yesterday it was reported that Carrickmore speedster Little Tony Dumphrey broke the 100m world record at the Tattyreagh Caravan Site Junior Sports Day. The amazing athletic feat was accomplished into a 20mph headwind couple against torrentially angled rain, ‘that oul wet rain’ Site Master Old Tony Dumphrey claimed.

Artist’s impression from America

Those in attendance were gobsmacked at the 8 year-old’s feat and appeared privileged to be there at the time. It was estimated that 25 were in attendance but exactly half of that number were women looking after the one barbecue or nattering about Prince Harry’s balls.

“I completely missed the momentous moment,” said Little Tony’s mother Bridle, “but it doesn’t surprise me. He used to run like a mad’un when the TV man turned the corner, giving us plenty of time to play dead. I just wish I hadn’t been gabbling about Harry’s arse.”

The exact details regarding time and distance seems to have thrown a veil of uncertainty over the feat. Old Tony reacted angrily when asked about the specifics of the achievement and whether the Jamaican should be informed.

“No, the distance wasn’t measured nor was there a watch or clock handy. But ask anyone who was there. He ran faster than anything we’d ever seen and a lot of these boys chase badgers and stuff. It was from about here to over there somewhere. What do you want from me? Just put down 8 seconds and 100m. OK?”