In a bold attempt to rid the area of its teak-tough and uncompromising representation, Carrickmore officials project that their new initiatives will see tourism rise at least by 500% over the twelve months. Locals have long lamented the lack of visitors to the Carrickmore high street, a phenomenon explained away by the harrowing perception of people in the area created by rival parishes and certain sections of the media. It is claimed that 1956 was the last time anyone from outside the townland married into the traditional Carrickmore families of the Gormleys, McCallans, Munroes and Dalys. Businesses have suffered as people fear of having to deal with the now mythical ferocious women and men from the village.

In a bold move, Carrickmore officials have unveiled their new strip – an all-pink number with frilly lacings around the collars – to be worn by the senior side in league and championship in 2013. Buying into the whole “connotations of colours” philosophy, club offical Gab Gormley maintains it could be the making of Carrickmore as a community:

“Well, to be honest, something needed to be done. The Carmen was turning into the wild west, where folk feared to travel. I emailed Gok Wan for suggestions and he didn’t reply. So I asked a boy from down the road who knows about colours and stuff and he filled me in about this idea. I was a bit skeptical at first but thought ‘what the hell’. There was a bit of a mini-rebellion when I announced it at training last night and, understandably, the clubrooms were thrashed by angry players. My car was also set alight by a few senior lads who should’ve known better, but no matter. As soon as they see the men and wemen from other places coming here for a pint or a loaf of bread then they’ll know they played their part in changing the future of this great place. We will soon be building skyscrapers and hoarding asylum seekers. People will see Carrickmore as progressive and in touch with their feminine qualities.”

Carrickmore will play rivals Dromore in a friendly next month in what could be a testing first outing. A high profile inter-county defensive player, who does not wish to be named, was furious at the announcement:

Holy buckin Jaysus, we’ll be laughed out of it in places like Derrylaughan and Killyclogher. Pink, like. Any other colour maybe. The renowned green and gold will be no more. I can’t see how this will bring in tourists. We might get some kind of knitting convention or gay pride march in Carrickmore but that’s the best case scenario. They’ve made a hames of this. I can’t see Mickey Harte picking lads who play in pink.

Officials say they haven’t shelved plans of forcing all Carrickmore people to attend night classes in “the art of nose-blowing and coughing up stuff in public”.

New design for Carmen