A typical Ballygawley family

The Ballygawley strimming war has worsened this morning with the news that a man was seen strimming his hedge at 5am this morning in torrential rain. Reports suggest tensions are beyond repair as news reaches us of women out with chainsaws pruning garden shrubs.

The strimming conflict, which began a year ago to the day, escalated after a man was criticised for strimming his hedge on a Sunday by the PP. A supportive neighbour reacted to the public criticism by restrimming a hedge that was already strimmed the following Sunday night in total darkness. Peter McGlone, a local poet, reckons the village is beyond repair:

“Someone has to shout ‘STOP’. Ballygawley is being ripped apart by this strimming war. People are trying to out-annoy each other with louder strimmers. To see Seamus Kelly out strimming this morning in a holey vest at 5am and it pouring was one of the saddest and most dangerous sights I’ve ever witnessed. It’s out of control. Just last month a man strimmed the whole time during the Tyrone/Mayo game with the strimmer connected up to loudspeakers. I thought I’d seen it all in Ballygawley after 77 years. Madness.”

Mary Quinn, a 41 year old circus ballet dancer, maintains we’ve seen nothing yet:

“Thon bollix Kelly has upped the ante with that 5am stunt. I’ve just been on to a boy in Tattyreagh on Gumtree and purchased a second hand petrol Husqvarna chainsaw for a hundred pounds. He says it’s the loudest yoke on the market. I’ll be out strimming my Cherry Blossoms at midnight tonight. Have a piece of that. Tattyreagh here I come.”

BBC, UTV AND RTE have been chased from the village in recent weeks when trying to report on the skirmishes. However, Ross Kemp was spotted up a tree with earmuffs on just outside Quinn’s Corner.