Can’t kiss Ardboe wemen

A small loughshore community were today said to be living in fear from a ruthless Lord Mayor who has re-enacted centuries-old laws he discovered in a library in Magherafelt during the summer. Pa Forbes, who was unanimously voted in early in the year, cannot be replaced until 2016, sparking fears of a mass exodus to places like Moortown of Brocagh.

Yasser McCluskey explained the daily torture of the average Ardbonian:

“That man’s mental. I just saw there this morning on his Facebook page that he has now enforced a ruling from the 14th century – that it is illegal for a man with a moustache to kiss a woman. I was walking down the Kilmascally Road there now and you could hear he buzzing of shavers coming from the houses. Forbes knows rightly every Ardboe man has a moustache.”

Other laws brought back included

• Illegal to wear underwear to Post Office
• Legal for a man to relieve himself in a bar, standing up, after 9pm
• ex-prisoners to ride around on a horse in daylight
• Moortown men can be shot with a bow and arrow except on Sundays
• Only married women can use a parachute on a Sunday

McCluskey reckons Forbes has to be stopped before Ardboe becomes a ghost village:

“That rule last week was the final straw. He outlawed eating more than three sandwiches at a wake. Poor Tom Coney was lifted by the cops at Maggie Daly’s wake for eating four egg sandwiches. The worst thing was – someone touted on Coney. Ardboe has couped.”

Lord Mayor Forbes told reporters he has not ‘lost the run of himself’ whilst trotting down the Ardboe Road in a golden carriage pulled by three bare-chested fishermen serenading him with ‘Johnson’s Motorcar’.