Clonoe choir practising tonight

In what some worshippers are calling ‘a wee bit extreme’, Fr Franny Bay has ordered his choir to practise singing traditional hymns using standard received pronunciation and not in a local east Tyrone accent. 

The move comes in the wake of a few high profile visitors to the parish from Rome and in anticipation of more in the coming months. Fr Bay, who attended speech and elocution lessons as a teenager and has been commended for his clear verbal skills on recent TV and radio appearances, has warned his choir that he’ll personally sack any singers who continue to use local pronunciation.

He added during his homily:

“That man from Rome can speak English better than me but he couldn’t make head nor tail of the singing. He even asked me if they were singing in Irish. I told him they were but heard my own confession as soon as he left. In ‘Take Our Bread, We Ask You‘ it’s not ‘tick air bread, wa ass ye‘. No wonder Fr Pablo was confused. I’ll be visiting your homes over the next week for spot-checks’.

Fr Bay extended his advice to the rest of the non-singing congregation, recommending they watch more shows on BBC1, especially the news or documentaries:

“When Fr Pablo reached the church this morning, an elderly parishioner who shall remain nameless shook his hand and asked him, ‘Do ye spake the english, Farr?’. The poor Father thought he’d arrived in South America or Africa. I’ll never get promoted to the bishopric if the Holy See come here to inspect me and are greeted by you lot. Buck up your ideas, people. An award for me is an award for you.”

Meanwhile, the Clonoe’s priests have thanked worshippers for last week’s collection of £788 which will go towards a well deserved holiday in Ibiza for the three of them.