Winning Performance

The Irish Olympic Team will return with at least one gold after Paddy Mulligan stormed clear in the Trellis Fencing discipline, knocking up a 4-sided one-acre garden fence in under two hours, a world record, using 6 x 1ft trellis panels.

Mulligan, whose grandfather won a silver medal in 1932 in the Literary section for a poem about the length of the Main Street, was said to be ecstatic with the medal but warned locals it will probably cause an increase in his fees:

“Fencing has always been in my family but I never knew I’d become a gold medal winning Olympian out of it. I knew after the first round that I’d a good chance as the rest were a bunch of cowboys, especially the Russians. I’ll be re-assessing charges.”

Mulligan’s win has been greeted quietly in Cookstown with many worrying about money they still owe to the gold medallist. Shopkeeper Brendy Sheehy warned:

“He’s a gangster at the best of times; this’ll create some queue at the Credit Union. Great performance in Rio and all that but it couldn’t happen to a more miserly bollocks. He’ll be hard to stick.”

There’ll be a home-coming for Mulligan in the Glenavon carpark on Sunday.