By E Tyrone reporter Darby Gill

512 Vibrating Screener

Screener Valley (Coalisland and everywhere within a 15-mile radius) was left in turmoil this morning after news of a new screener company in Bejing was leaked to mainstream media. Witnesses maintain that so bad was the fallout from the news that men left Falls’ Bar early on Wednesday afternoon to head back to work.

The spokesman for Boys And Lads who Love Screening (BALLS), Becky “Arc Eye” McMoran, gave the following statement.

“Hi boy, what would them wee boys know about a MIG welder. We’ve been making screeners here for 20 years and no one knows more about them, hi. I mind building screeners here since I left school at 10 years old to cover up missed welds with chewing gum. It’s them Health and Safety boys have wrecked the whole show lad.
We used to able to work 90 hr weeks and hang aff rafters to get at the real hard bits to weld. Now it’s all masks and steel toe caps and you have to be back in the house by 7pm. Sure that’s no use to no man hi. I’ll not be getting a Chinese on a Sunday night now after lying in bed all day boking I’ll tell you.”

Although the new Beijing development is only a minor player, an “Irish Rejuvenation Agency” was seen leaving Washingbay last night. As the windows of the Vauxhall Carlton were blacked out it was difficult to determine who made up the party. McSorleys hardware was unavailable for comment on how many pickaxe handles and 6” nails they had sold the day before.