After a recent survey confirmed that housewives were turning away from reading the Irish News in favour of Loose Women on TV and Stephen Nolan on the wireless, the newspaper giant have reportedly offered former columnist Paddy Heaney a blank cheque to write again in order to regain lost female readership.

Middle-aged Heaney, who took time off from the writing in a bid to become World’s Strongest Man before becoming embroiled in a multi-million dollar lawsuit with several bread-making establishments after he told people to stop eating bread, was pictured today in a deliberately provocative pose in the Irish News.

An Irish News insider added:

“Yes it’s all true. Heaney is back and, going by the swooning in the queue outside the Spar in Draperstown this morning, so are the women. It just made total sense. The fact that he’s now all toned up after a few years of pumping iron makes him an even more attractive product.

Tensions in the Irish News sports department were said to be palpable, with rival journalists Archer, Crossan and O’Kane all spotted wearing gym gear over the weekend, and the latter having reportedly spent over £12 on hair products in Boots yesterday in Antrim town after the game in Glenavy.