Monthly Archives: February 2025
Guide To Pomeroy For Visiting Kerry Supporters
Tyrone’s National League game with Kerry has been moved to Pomeroy. Here, we offer Kerry GAA supporters a quick guide to help them stay safe and secure at Tyrone’s highest point.
THE MOUNTAINS
One of the unofficial wonders of the world, the Mountains of Pomeroy have been honoured by many in print and song.
However, geologists have yet to find the mountains. That is not to say there are no mountains as visitors have often complained of feeling light-headed in the village, although that has been put down to local pastimes such as diesel laundering and home distilleries. Kerry people should not worry about bringing walking sticks or hiking boots.
THE DIAMOND
The Diamond has also been studied by government officials but has yet to have its own song. In the last 12 months, 23 people have tried to leave the Diamond but ended up in the same place as they started due to its unusual shape. Remembering landmarks is pointless as all the buildings look the same. A good tip is to close your eyes and run in a straight line to try to get out of the Diamond’s magnetic grip. Locals are angry that it doesn’t get the same media coverage as its sister phenomenon, the Bermuda Triangle. It is also rumoured that the Diamond was the basis for the TV show Lost.
LOCALS, ANIMALS AND CUSTOMS
Be prepared for long tailbacks behind diggers and lorries. For 300 years, anyone living in the village MUST own a digger, or a lorry at the very least. Cattle also roam the streets, acting as mobile speed bumps. The cattle also guard all entry and exit points and are said to have long memories, often targeting people who litter or drive too fast. Dogs also outnumber cats by 5 to 1 but are toilet trained, using many of the portaloos scattered around fields from abandoned attempts to build more houses. Don’t pet them though.
THINGS TO DO
- Pomeroy is home to the world’s only corrugated iron museum.
2. Ring the bell at the Church of Ireland belfry and run away.
3. Look up the road towards towards Carrickmore
4. Visit the forest and try to spot the trees
5. Look up the road towards Donaghmore
ENJOY YOUR STAY
Chest-Butting On The Rise In Maghery As A Welcome Gesture After Forker Move
Culture experts have expressed delight that the ancient communication gesture of chest-butting has returned to the north Armagh area after the Donegal Armagh game in Ballybofey last weekend.
Chest-butting, which involves recipients receiving a head-butt to the chest, is an old Druid welcome still practised in parts of north Armagh and south Tyrone, once outlawed by the British in the 1500s.
Local historian, Harry Robinson, explained:
“When Forker head-chested Murphy at the weekend, he was simply welcoming the iconic Donegal footballer after his sabbatical. It’s actually the highest form of respect an Armagh person can give. It’s usually followed up with a hug which Forker was deprived of by a trigger-happy referee.”
Armagh primary schools were reporting a rise in chest-butting in the last five days and have initiated a chest-butting summer school starting in July in Caledon.
Accusations Of Witchcraft After First Double-Decker Drives Through Coalisland. Driver chased.
Friends and family of the driver of a double-decker are concerned for his safety after his bus was stopped in Coalisland after locals accused him of some kind of dark wizardry. He was last seen fleeing towards Brackaville on foot as the bus was ransacked and the wheels stolen. A local priest was also called to bless the bus to free it from any evil spirits.
Although locals had seen double-deckers on the TV as well as on trips to Belfast and Craigavon, the sight of the two-tiered bus left many in the town, especially the elderly, on their knees praying and openly wailing as it approached the main street.
Local hardman and watcher of the roundabout, Micky O’Neill, fumed:
“Getting the roundabout was something that took a long time to accept. If they think they can start using double-deckers in our town, they’ve another thing coming. We’re not pagans. That driver will be burned at the stake if he appears again. On another note, we invite all residents to attend The Burning Of The Bus tomorrow after normal Mass. It should only take four hours to burn it to the ground.”
Coalisland has a proud history of resisting change and it was recently discovered that over 80% of the town still use cassette tapes.
Brocagh Bull Identifies As A Cow. Scientists Stumped.
A Brocagh bull that keeps hanging around the milking machines has stumped scientists into believing that it identifies as a cow.
Bertie, who is now called Cassie, spends most of his day with the other cows, and allows young children to play on its back and swing off his horns. To confirm the suspicion, Bertie was thrown into a field of 45 cows in heat but curled up in the corner and went to sleep.
Owner Patsy McGahan fumed:
“I’ve been sold a pup. I needed a bull and bought this one off a boy from Portadown. I paid big money and yer fella said he’ll go all night and all day. The only thing he goes for is a dander around the yard, staring at the cows being milked. To say I’m disappointed is putting it mildly. Cassie is actually eyeing up another bull these days.”
In an idea to prove it was a bull, McGahan dressed as a matador and tried to goad Bertie/Cassie into showing some aggression. The bull just turned around and ate some grass.
‘Beast From East’ Was Moortown Full Back Says Apologetic Weatherman
Rumours regarding a devastating cold spell called The Beast from the East have been proven unfounded after the weather station, Irish Met TV, admitted they overheard the wrong information in a pub in Moortown.
The beast turned out to be none other than the St Malachy’s full back Paulie Quinn who is contemplating a move to Aghyaran after getting married to a woman from the West Tyrone club.
Weatherman from Irish Met TV, Snowy Robinson, admitted:
“Yes it’s my fault. Id overhead a conversation about the Beast from the East heading west to wreak destruction and I assumed it was another cold spell. I jumped too quick there and I apologise to the Irish public. I also wish the beast, Paulie, all the best in Aghyaran.”
Meanwhile, a 55 year old man from up the road in Ardboe has been told to stop sucking diesel as he has now become a fire hazard to vapers outside the local Spar.
Tyrone Tribulations 