Insiders claim that a complaint by the Combined Unionist Collegiate is about to be lodged with the Department of Environment, complaining about the greenness of the Lough Neagh algae, proposing that it is injected with colouring to make it a bit more orange or even red and blue.

The algae, whose damaging presence has saddened many due to years of neglect by authorities, has become much greener this year, making it a real eyesore for unionists around the shore. Many have upped sticks and left for more inland areas, such as Ballymena and Moygashel, where the water is much less green.

Billy McIdle, leader of the Unionist Collegiate, fumed:

“Sinn Fein and the SDLP have allowed this to happen to wind us up. I was up in a helicopter last week carting pallets from Fivemiletown to Antrim and it was like a permanent St Patrick’s Day. It’s not on. There’s no reason why we can’t inject the algae with red and blue and make it a more equitable lough. Sure what harm can it do?”

Meanwhile, an eel-whisperer claims an eel told him they mightn’t bother heading to the Lough next year and might take a detour to Lough Fea near Cookstown to see what it’s like.