Monthly Archives: December 2025
Castlederg Launch Bid To Host Winter Olympics After Another Cold Night. Barra Best To Light Torch.
After another night of sub-zero temperatures, Castlederg has officially launched its bid to host the 2038 Winter Olympics, with the hope that Healy Park will come on board and be used as the centre for skating and curling.
With the thermometer reaching minus six (-6) last night, Castlederg was colder than parts of the Alps around 3am. In recent years, a clatter of sherpas have made their home in Castlederg, such is the demand for guides through the Derg’s more treacherous areas.
Tourism in the area will greatly benefit if they get the decision, especially the deli in the local shop, which comes highly recommended.
Barra Best, who has helped put Castlederg on the world map with his highest and lowest temperatures throughout the year, will be asked to light the opening day torch. If unavailable that day, they are to ask Coolio the rapper or John Lynch.
A statue to Barra is to be discussed if they get the rights for the 2038 gig.
NEWSFLASH: Santa Held Up Mid-Air By Australian Customs Over Multiple Environmental And Work-Related Offences
- REFUSED TO SWITCH TO ELECTRIC REINDEER
- RUDOLF MADE TO WORK DESPITE 200-YEAR FLU
- RECKLESS CHIMNEY MANOEUVRES
Santa Claus has maintained his innocence after Australian customs intercepted his crossing of their border, claiming he ignored letters that over 60% of his reindeer should be electric. The North Pole man has also refused to attend a work tribunal initiated by Rudolf’s agent last month, after it emerged that Santa refused to give him a day off since 1825 despite having a 200-year flu and his nose beyond the point of repair.
Additionally, over 50’000 homes across the planet have complained that due to new home fuel-burning laws, chimneys are far smaller whilst Santa has refused to lose weight, creating a catastrophic effect on roof tiles.
Mr Claus, who claimed to be on a tight schedule, fumed:
“I’m sick of all this woke crap about electric reindeer. Sure by the time their excrement has hit the ground, it’s frozen solid. And I’m always telling the deer to let rip over the oceans. This is just people finding something to complain about. I WON’T BE CANCELLED.”
Australian officals are prepared to let Claus on his way if he promises to lose weight by next year by adopting a caveman diet as well as attending a few Parkruns a year.
Meanwhile, Rudolf was finally treated for flu-like symtoms and was given a Lemsip and a packet of Victory Vs. His nose was still glowing.
Tyrone To Offer Russians Healy Park As Bomb Target Instead Of Fivemiletown
Tyrone GAA officials are to assemble a convoy to Moscow after it emerged that Fivemiletown is on the Russian radar for nuclear strikes, should Putin take the notion.
After an emergency meeting last night in Dungannon (as Healy Park media room was waterlogged), GAA officials agreed that a strike on Healy Park would be ideal, as they are planning on cutting it up anyway to solve the draining issue.
Henry Sally, GAA War PR, added:
“I can see yer man Putin having an issue with this. Sure we’ll even pretend to be making military uniforms or something using scarecrows in the middle of the field to lure them in. Bombing Fivemiletown would be a disaster. Where would people go after Clogher? Fermanagh? Sure that’s worse than a nuclear fallout.”
If Putin does bomb Healy Park into shite, it is estimated that it could save Tyrone GAA thousands on digger hire.
Tyrone Tribulations 