Monthly Archives: January 2026
Castlederg Ice Cream Family Firm Sets Sail For Greenland To Conquer Island
A Castlederg family, steeped in the ice cream business, has set sail from Donegal on a sizeable and fast speedboat for Greenland to annex the island before America tries to.
Cassidy 99ers‘ owner, Kieran Cassidy, has employed a large number of friends and loyal customers, free of charge, to follow behind on an older, slower speedboat, which will arrive a couple of days behind the first crew.
Cassidy, whose business won Best Ice Cream in West Tyrone for a Small Business in 1977, maintains that the Americans might be using the smokescreen of an oil-extracting operation to form an ice-cream dynasty of their own on the island.
Greenland currently has a limited ice cream infrastructure.
“It’s a bit of a no-brainer. When was the last time you saw an Inuit eating an ice-cream? The Yanks are not slow when it comes to opportunisitc business ideas but we’re not wet behind the ears either in the ‘Derg. We’ve the flag with us.”
High-profile Greenlanders have said they’re open to a Castlederg invasion as long as the Flakes are genuine and ‘not that American shite’.
Large Russian Crowd Expected In Croke To Cheer On Clogher In Further Threat To Fivemiletown
Following recent news that Fivemiletown is on a Russian military target list, a large Russian Clogher-supporting contingent is expected to descend on Croke Park tomorrow to cheer on the Eire Ogs to further intimidate their Fivemiletown neighbours.
It has also been reported that Clogher locals have welcomed Russian penpals in recent weeks in what is seen as a move to make sure that the hit on Fivemiletown is accurate and doesn’t harm their own village.
Long-time Clogher supporter Henry Bogue admitted that he didn’t mind the extra support:
“I’m sure they’re only using us to spook the Fivemiletown ones but to be honest, we’ll be glad of the extra noise. I was told that them Kerry ones are bringing French people with them from over the water so this evens things up. If we win, it’ll be White Russians all-around.”
Fivemiletown has yet to comment on Clogher’s friendship with the Russians but wishes them all the best anyway in the final.
Dungannon Man Regrets Eating Yellow Snow. Couldn’t Resist It. Loves Bananas.
A Dungannon fencer maintains he couldn’t resist licking and then eating a ball of yellow snow down an alleyway off the main street, but now regrets his actions after contracting a rare stomach bug called Urinas Meltas.
Barry Whitehair, 44, maintains that it looked too refreshing to resist and ‘a bit like frozen banana-flavoured ice cream’, even though logic told him it was unlikely to be that.
“Ach I feel like a bit of an idiot now, but I just love bananas. And seeing that ice-cool yellowy snow just made my mouth water. It was only after I’d finished the ball that I remembered all them wives in the street growing up telling us never to eat yellow now. I should have heeded them.”
This is not the first time Whitehair fell foul of not believing wives’ tales after he developed severe arthritis from cracking his knuckles too often and had to give up fencing.
Tyrone Man Barred After Ordering Skinny Latte In Pub In Galbally
A 45-year-old Galbally mechanic has been barred from a well-known hostelry in Galbally after he ordered two pints for his mates and a skinny latte for himself, pointing at a coffee machine that hadn’t been used since being installed in 2017.
John McGormley, who developed a liking for teas and coffees after a holiday in Venice during the summer, was also questioned by local unofficial enforcers regarding his taste in stuff. He narrowly avoided a hiding when his mother turned up and told him to catch himself on.
Local pub-goer, Geoff Riley, remarked:
“Aye it was a bit of a handlin aright. I thought that coffee machine was plastic and an ornament. Turns out you can order coffees but sure who’d be at that. John’s a good lad, but he should have known better than to use words like latte in this part of the world.”
In other news, several parents have already begun queueing outside Galbally Primary School with their children, despite it not opening til Monday.
Tyrone Tribulations 