Primate Dixon Thought To Have Been Just ‘a very clever chimpanzee’

old-man-laughingBy Aughoughilley Schniffles

Rumours have began to surface that the Primate Joseph Dixon, the cleric who was born 1806 in the Coalisland

The new Brackaville ghosts

The new Brackaville ghosts

area and gave his name to the local primary school which recently celebrated its centenary, was actually just ‘a very smart’ monkey.

Local historian and SELB director for the area Simeon Armstrong indicates that the Primate Dixon was never recorded as having spoken – revealing that he just nodded and sometimes flashed a smile of pointy white teeth, which at the time was just put down to his being ‘a very holy man.’

Director Armstrong has told Tyrone Tribulations that

it is not beyond the realms of possibility that Primate Dixon was a real primate… Sure hi, some of the teachers I’ve seen up round Armagh are just shocking – it’s a wonder the kids can even bless themselves, or eat their own lunches.

Historical records kept of the man himself, and minutes from parish meetings described Primate Dixon as ‘very good at prayer, football and study’.

The Democrat recorded of him in 1844 at the children’s Feis he adjudicated:

He has a very piercing, yet intelligent stare. All the local Children have really taken to him because of his quiet demeanour and his opposable thumbs. A man of routine, he always loves a good banana before competition begins.”

 He reportedly judged much in a manner to that of Simon Cowell, simply giving a thumbs up or thumbs down gesture.

Also of note, the concerned Brackaville Resident’s Association (BRA) have long spoken of ghosts in the newer housing estates in the area near the other famous ghost that was on the news. This time reports are of three monkeys, hear no evil, see no evil, and one that goes on like Joe Brolly, just jumping about and flapping its arms and whinging a bit.”

The case has been given all the more credence due to events also found in newpapers of the time. Armstrong uncovered an article titled ‘circus masters drinking leads to one too many escapes’ which wrote of numerous escapes in Dixie Duffin’s circus in and around the town in 1805. One such mass escape week saw lions getting lost outside Edendork chapel, eels slipping off near Ardboe, and a few cowboys going on the run somewhere around the Moy. The article goes on to detail how one chimpanzee managed to escape with a few black shirts and pairs of black trousers near Tessies Sibin on the Clonoe road.

Catholic Church rep for the area, Cardinal Shin, has said the allegations are complete and utter tripe:

 “Are you even a real journalist? He was a huge pillar in the community, a man who gave his name to the place of education here… he was a noted Professor of moral philosophy- you boys would want to check your moral standards. Get out! And put those biscuits back down there!

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About Gombeen

Trying hard to make it up.

Posted on August 10, 2014, in Ardboe, Armagh, Brackaville, Clonoe, Coalisland, Edendork, Moy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. dedeideoprofundis

    Oh holy fuck!

    Like

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