Blog Archives
Brocagh Man Will Donate £300 If Wife Keeps Make-Up On For Selfie
Ardboe man takes riskiest selfie ever
The astonishing success of the ‘selfie’ for Cancer Awareness (see below how to donate), which has raised a remarkable £2 million and rising, has been further helped along by a Brocagh carpenter who has pledged to donate £300 to the research as long as his wife keeps her make-up on for her own selfie.
Jackie McMahon (49), a four-time winner of the Brocagh Sports wellie-tossing competition, is adamant that his wife will not share her natural looks with her 822 online friends, including members of the clergy:
“Under no circumstances will I allow that to happen. I have a strong stomach but it’s touch and go every morning how I’ll react when I turn around. Sometimes I forget and find myself on the floor taking deep breaths to prevent the passing out phase that I used to experience in my 30s.”
June McMahon (48), originally from Carnan, admitted:
“I’m in two minds here. I could stick 10 different photos up and raise the same amount and annoy him beyond belief. Or I could deprive him of his weekend drinking money and allow him to fork out the £300. Tough decisions. And by the way, you should see the cut of him! No oil painting is a tame expression there. His ma told me that when he was born they kept him in the pram outside the front door to ward off tax men, Mormons and banshees. Brutal she says.”
Meanwhile, an Ardboe painter has been roundly applauded for taking the riskiest selfie ever during the bull run in Ballinderry this morning.
Tyrone Tribulations fully supports the No Make-Up Selfie For Cancer Awareness and would encourage anyone who reads this article and hasn’t donated (especially the men) to do so by texting BEAT to 70099. You’ll be charged £3 plus one message at your standard network rate.
Omagh Banshee Retires
One of the last banshees in the county, the Omagh Banshee, yesterday announced her retirement from general ghouling and wailing in the Omagh area after weeks, if not months, of unsuccessful spooking at night. The ‘woman of the fairymounds’ had serviced the greater West Tyrone area since the Battle of the Yellow Ford in 1598 before concentrating on the county’s capital after the Home Rule Bill of 1886. Recently, though, she had been making sporadic appearances as rumours persisted of ill-health and deteriorating mental capacities.
“The time has come to hang up the comb,” the Omagh Banshee (known as the Oul Hoor in Omagh) told us on a frequency picked up on an old CB. “People are living longer and I’m sitting there whiling away the time hoping for an illness or two to savage a family. There bes days when I just take a chance and yap away outside a house in the hope that by sheer luck someone croaks it. Taking those chances were wrong and I’m just another failed run-of-the-mill mythological Irish spirit”
The Oul Hoor, depressed, yesterday
The Oul Hoor has been suffering greatly from arthritis because of the recent wet summers, making her existence a miserable all-year round affair now.
“It’s just not worth it. My once frightening keen is now like a kettle whistling. The young’uns just fire bottles and shoes at me as they see all the horror movies they want now. I’m just a joke to them. I blame the parents. In their day all I had to do was leave a comb lying about and they’d have nightmares for months. The only way to frighten youngsters now is to steal their computer games or iPhones. I might be a maggot-ridden fictional miserable old woman, but I’m not a thief.”
The Oul Hoor plans to spend her retirement playing bowls and hanging out with Finn McCool, Cathleen Ni Houlihan and Cuchulainn.
Tyrone Tribulations 